The Duggar Family

Like many people, I am no fan of the Duggar Family or in their beliefs. They could very easily practice NFP, but they are letting it in God's hands to decide how many children they are to have. I find it incredibly hard to believe that you can care for 19+ kids at one time. It is mind boggling. But I am not here to talk about that; to each their own.

I am going to talk about no matter what your beliefs are no woman deserves to go through any loss, yet a pregnancy loss at 20 weeks. Its heartbreaking and one that will be in her memories to the day she dies.

Its also heartbreaking for those on facebook and else where to judge her and say things, "it serves her right". Until you have been through a pregnancy loss or miscarriage you have no right to comment on her loss. No right! I wouldn't wish a miscarriage or pregnancy loss on my worst enemy. There are no words...

Did it serve her right when she miscarried her second pregnancy? Which by the way led to why they have chosen to let in God's hands to decide how many children they have. Should those of us who have losses just stop trying, is that what God is telling us?

God gives us nothing more than what we can handle. His challenges and our struggles make us stronger and better people. They remind us we have so much to be grateful for and in the end God has a plan for us.

I will be praying for Michelle and The Duggar Family tonight.

New Blog

Here is my new blog, as promised Pregnant After RPL. Its a work in progress and doesn't quite feel as "homey".

Ummm....not what I was expecting!

I decided to POAS today, 16 dpo. I have so many OPKs that I was like WTH? Let's see what happens. Before the control line appeared there was a line at the test line. I totally did a double take.

I ran to the other bathroom to grab a dollar store HPT and that line came up rather dark as well. HOLY SHIT!

Not what I was expecting!! This can't be! I was just complaining that this cycle was a bust and that I was tired of BFP announcements and here goes mine.

I am 4w3d pregnant today and I love my baby.

I called, yes called, DH after I got out of the shower and said something along the lines of, "Hey, you're never gonna believe this! :::pause::: I decided to pee on an opk today because my period has not arrived. :::another pause::: It was positive! I got a HPT out and tested with that and its also positive. :::yet another pause::: I'm pregnant!" Needless to say DH was surprised as well and of course commented on the fact that he has super sperm. :::eye roll:::

DH called my doctor due to the fact that I had jury duty today. Kathy, Dr. Daggs nurse of course sent me for blood work later that afternoon. She warned me that this may still be left over HCG from my injections, which we all were fully aware of. However, if you remember the cycle before I tested out until AF arrived and my line at 15dpo was barely there.

Things however do look promising at 16 dpo my hcg level was 1032 & progesterone was 40. :::SHOCK::: When Kathy called to give me the results she said that these levels were great and Dr. Daggs said that these levels are high enough to support a multiple pregnancy. :::EYES POPPING OUT OF MY HEAD::: However, we would confirm that these levels are rising on Monday (really that long?) and when levels reach between 6-10 thousand I will have my first u/s. She said that she did not want to get my hopes up but that these numbers were excellent.

Now, this is the last time you will hear about Baby #6, unless of course I miscarry. I plan to get a new blog up and running that way those of you who are reading this blog will continue to visit and feel that this is a safe place. I don't plan to stop posting about RPL and miscarriage. I will pass along information as I come about it.

:::HUGS::: to all who need them! And especially to those who find this post difficult to read. I will be praying for you!!!

I'm soooo over....

BFP announcements!

Facebook statuses that relate to being pregnant, again BFP announcements, posting weekly milestones, announcing c-section or induction is scheduled and giving people who want to visit restrictions AND instructions on when they can visit in the maternity ward. (Seriously if this wasn't a public blog I would probably cut & paste this 680 word status because I really just want to tell her to get over herself! Really you couldn't do this in a more private way?)

GO F*** OFF & SUCK IT!

Sorry, I'm going to chalk all this up to PMS. This really hasn't bothered me too much lately but tonight...tonight it is not sitting well.

This cycle = BUST

I don't want to go into much detail because this pertains more to my husband than to me of why this cycle is a bust. His Low T is making things way more complicated. Unfortnatly I don't think he is doing a damn thing about it which is frustrating me even more!

On a better note, I did my 3 injections this cycle anyways. I was instructed to cut my dose in half because of my hormone levels being so high last cycle. I feel sooooo much better then I did last time around. I have slight symptoms that could be confused w/ pre-menstrual symptoms. This I can handle.

Today is 9 dpo and I had more bloodwork to see where my levels are at so I'm sure I will post soon to let ya'll know where they are at.

More rambles

AF arrived the very next day, 16 dpo. But that's not what I'm here to post about.

I'm here to tell you that I am soooooo sick of doctors who went to medical school and know S-Q-U-A-T!!! I'm so annoyed with the entire education system but that is a whole other subject. I'm tired of doctors slapping band aids (or progesterone or clomid) on patients and saying, "Lets see if this works." They take credit for it if it does work however, they have no interest in finding out why it worked. They don't even think that this could affect a woman's health in other ways. If it doesn't work, they try something else. Doesn't this put a woman more at risk? Why is this acceptable? Why aren't more women concerned? Why does everyone place so much faith and trust in their doctors? I am not saying that there aren't good doctors out there but all the stories I hear, I wonder how many there really are.

I'm so frustrated that NFP (& the Catholic Church) has gotten such a bad wrap that people don't logically look at NaProTechnology and how it works. Most doctors don't even know really what it is and dismiss it immediately. How discouraging! I guess because I am a investigator in nature and methodically examine things that I question how something is going to work. I guess this is what has brought me answers the past few months.

I feel bad for those who are new to RPL and/or multiple losses. I remember nobody listening to me and reassuring me that I was "normal" but they didn't do their jobs to the fullest. They didn't test for what should have been testing for. Instead I had to research the internet and read countless books to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

I do want to share that I am Catholic. However, if this was something that Judaism discovered, I would still be participating in NaPro. I'll be honest, I don't believe in a lot of what the Catholic church does or says. There are things I do agree with and NaPro is one of them. I'm just shocked at how much sense this system makes and I wish everyone going through RPL and/or infertility would seek out a fertility specialist within the NaPro system. I want everyone to get answers that I worked so hard to get as easily as I did (once I found the right doctor).

Stepping off my soap box now.

Barely there

Well, I'm out for this cycle. My line is getting lighter and lighter and taking longer to appear. I just hope AF comes quickly and gets on with it. This way I can move on.

I feel like this is the 5th time I've been tricked. Really. With all my other m/c's I had similiar symptoms and POOF they just disappear as this one did. I'm really glad that my ob is decreasing my dosage so (hopefully) I won't feel as pregnant as I did this time.

POAS, POAS again & repeat!

Sorry, I had better intentions of "documenting" my first round of hcg injections but life got in the way a bit.

Let me see what I can remember...

7 dpo I gave myself another injection...piece of cake.

I promised I would wait until 10 dpo to test but I gave in at 8 dpo at lunch time. Here is what I got...

The second line or the lighter pink line appeared in 20 secs. No surprise that there was a 2nd line but I was surprised how quickly it appeared and how dark it was. So I figured why not do an experiment and test with FMU every day for the next 8 days?

Yes, I enjoy torturing myself.

Who doesn't after TTCAL??? I think it is a sick thing we do but something we cannot help! We just HAVE to know.

9 dpo I repeated the hcg injection and it left a nasty bruise this time. Granted I am on baby asprin so that probably does not help. But before I gave myself my last injection for the cycle I tested again...

I also went in for 9 dpo blood work to check my progesterone & estrogen levels to see how my body was responding to the hcg. When I got there the first question out of my mouth was, "Just how pregnant should I feel?" The two nurses in the lab chuckled to themselves and asked, "Well just how pregnant do you feel?" I said my bb's are killing me & I'm tired (and at that point I felt about 8 weeks pg minus the nausea). Of course they asked if I was experiencing any nausea and I didn't until the.very.next.day.

The following days, 10-12 dpo:

In theory, the test above I shouldn't have any hcg left in my system from shot #1. Notice the line is lighter.

On Friday, Cathy, Dr. Dagg's nurse called me. She said that I was responding very well to the injections. So well that IF I wasn't pregnant this cycle they wanted to decrease my dose to half of what I was giving myself. My progesterone at 9 dpo was 57 and my estrogen was well over 200. Last cycle, without the injections my progesterone at 9 dpo was 5.8 and my estrogen was in the high 60's if I remember correctly.

HUGE DIFFERENCE!! This wasn't even my "peak day" for my hormone levels. That would have been 7 dpo when progesterone & estrogen levels peak. These were actually falling numbers. No wonder I feel pregnant!!!

13 dpo test:

This line to me seems darker than 12 dpo.

Again, in theory shot #1 & #2 should be out of my system. Notice the line again is lighter. However, in ALL fairness. I did NOT take this picture at the same time as I did the others. I woke up at 6 AM & had to pee badly. This line appeared in 15 secs but all the other tests I showered and then took the pictures so they had at least 10-15 minutes to sit before being photographed. This MIGHT, might have been 5 minutes and then I shoved it back into its packaging. I know dumb but I was at a hotel in Morgantown, WV (huge WVU fans) with DH, DS & my FIL (father in law).

I don't have the bb soreness as badly as I did last week but they do feel full and a bit tender still. I've been e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d all this week and even have had a bit insomnia which is very weird for me. My salavia production is ridiculous! I'm spitting when I'm talking! How embarassing!?! I haven't felt any CL pain but my stomach has in general felt weird. I'm hungry a lot! I'm not sure about my sense of smell. However, I'm pretty sure thats also increased. DH hasn't commented on it yet. But I walked by the porta-pottys while tailgating and I could barely stomach the smell. Usually I can "deal" with it but I was ready to gag. In general I'm achy and feel blah but that seems to be getting better compared to a few days ago.

And just for fun:

So we shall see what tomorrow brings. But as we all know it will start with peeing on a stick (POAS). ;-)

5 dpo

and I learned how to give myself my hcg injections. I successfully administered 1 cc into my belly and I didn't even flinch. I'm beyond thrilled! Thrilled to be injecting myself and have an answer.

I'm 5 dpo and I'm convinced I'm pregnant.

My boobs hurt, like that feeling you get that you just have to take your bra off. When you get it off your boobs hurt worse for 10 seconds. Know what I'm talking about? Yea, I've had that sensation in most of my pregnancies.

I've also noticed some left ovary twinges. C'mon corpus luteum (CL)!!! Do your job!!!

Also I've noticed more saliva production.

BUT this is all insane at 5dpo!!!!!

I'm trying to tell myself I won't be disappointed if we don't get a  BFP this cycle. I can just look back and say, "hey this was a practice cycle, to get the swing of these shots."

Yesterday, Mike said to me, "I don't think you are pg this cycle." His words stung and still echo in my head.

So if AF doesn't show by 16 dpo, I'm to go in for blood work.

The day I've been dreading.......

October 23, 2011. The day I've been dreading for some 7 1/2 months. I sit here wide awake past midnight, once again after watching a movie.

I sit here empty handed with a heavy aching heart. Trust me, it makes it easier that I have Landon, no doubt...but I can't help but hurt! And grief the day that should have been my 2nd child's birthday.

I can't help think about the things that should be different, the nursery, the endless sleepless nights, introducing Landon to his new sibling, Landon's big boy room, the cries of a newborn.....I can't help but think about what should have been...

But yet here I sit almost anxious of the thought of having a toddler and a newborn.

Hopefully, after today I will be able to move on. Since getting answers I think, it has brought me some peace but getting through today...will be the last milestone of my 5th pregnancy.

:::Breathe in, breathe out:::


Thankfully, I have very good friends that will help me get through this day. I especially want to thank Lisa who sent me this in the mail (just 2 weeks after having twins)!!!

Thank you so much Lisa for remembering, it means the world to me! Thank you for being there for me in some of my deepest, darkest hours & some of the happiest days of my life!! You are a true friend and a sister forever!!!



Let's talk....LPD

So as you can imagine, I'm still thrilled that I have a diagnosis, that we have a plan and you can bet that I've spent a lot of time reading about Type III LPD.

There are 5 types of LPD, which I only knew that there was at least 3 types. So let's talk about each of these.

- Type I LPD - In this particular woman, progesterone increases (as it should) after ovulation & within a short amount of time decrease. So instead of progesterone levels peaking around 7dpo, it peaks at 3 dpo and decreases from there.

This abnormality can be associated with RPL and sometimes women with infertility.

- Type II LPD - In this woman, the length of the luteal phase is normal but a low amount of progesterone is produced.

This abnormality is most common and seen in women with regular cycles and women experiencing infertility.

- Type III LPD - aka late luteal defect. In this woman, progesterone rises after ovulation and sometimes even higher than average levels and around 7dpo progesterone falls significantly. Anything more then a 50% drop is consider Type III.

This abnormality is seen in women with infertility, miscarriages & PMS.

- Type IV LPD - In this woman, progesterone levels are much lower on 3 dpo & return to normal on 5 & 7 dpo.

This type is very rare.

- Type V LPD - In this woman, estrogen & progesterone levels are normal before ovulation but after ovulation there is a decrease in estrogen production.

Out of the five types, this is the only one that involves estrogen & it appears this may be a precursor to osteoporosis according to "The NaProTECHNOLOGY Revolution" book, by Dr. Hilgers.

Type IV & V are the least understood.

A lot of modern doctors, in my journey have dismissed LPD and told me that it does not exist and here is why....
"Modern medicine" recognizes the following to test to see if a woman is ovulating: 1) shift in basal body temp 2) endometrial biopsy (which is rarely done now) 3) an elevated progesterone level (which most doctors do on CD 21 4) a positive OPK.  However, none of these 4 options determine if ovulation is normal, defective or if it even occurred.

"Over 56% of women with both infertility and regular cycles the ovulation is either ABSENT OR DEFECTIVE!"

Yet modern medicine has turned their head in the other direction of NaProTECHNOLOGY and its discoveries. Modern medicine is suppose to be evidence based but here NaPro is 30+ years ahead of these guys.

Angry? Frustrated? Yea, I was too and still am for those who don't know better!!! I feel modern medicine is injustice to their patients and thats a darn shame!

Just to prove to you that NaPro is way ahead of the game, I found an article on LPD on Global Library of Women's Medicine. It states:

"The most problematic aspect of a review of LPD is the persistent lack of universal standards for definition and diagnosis. Jones¹ claimed that the most accurate means of diagnosis was performing daily assays of serum progesterone throughout the luteal phase but noted that this is impractical except in a research setting. (Impractical or just not willing or fearful insurance companies won't pay???) Divergent opinions persist regarding the clinical gold standard for measurement of LPD; this has led to tremendous variability in the estimated prevalence and cure rates in infertile populations. This chapter reviews seminal points regarding LPD that have been reported in a wide variety of investigations."

Feel free to share your thoughts with me!

October 15th, WORLDWIDE, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Absolutely Beautiful! Please join me this Saturday at 7 PM by lighting a candle for the baby or babies you, a friend, a family member or even a stranger have lost!

New Page

Check out my book review page if you are looking for a book recommendation regarding miscarriage! Yes, I'm a dork! I know. But I wish I would have had this information at my finger tips when I was going through my m/c's. I'm amazed how many books are now on amazon.com regarding infertility, miscarriage, RPL, stillbirth & infant loss.

OMG OMG OMG!!! Jumping up and down!!!!

No...again, I'm NOT pregnant! But I am getting answers!!!!! Despite my awful feeling about my blood work not showing anything... I was so wrong!!!

My ob/gyn's nurse just called. Discussed some of the numbers with me and told me I have Type III Luteal Phase Defect!

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!

So what I do know right now is that my estradiol was low even though the peak was 103 on 7dpo. Dr. Daggs wants to see it at 110-150 (units?! I have no idea). The bigger problem was my progesterone was 17 on 7dpo but drastically dropped to 5.8 in 2 days. Anything over a 50% drop is consider Type III Luteal Phase Defect!!!!

Holy shit people! I could cry but I'm cheesin at the same time from ear to ear!!!

What does this mean and where do I go from here?

Type III LPD is treated with HCG shots (I believe Kathy said at 5dpo & 7dpo). We are starting this cycle!!!! I will learn how to give these injections to myself...and I don't even care that I have to inject myself.

I'm beyond thrilled that I am finally getting somewhere. Landon qualified for early intervention this afternoon after I got the news and I don't even care....it won't ruin this day that I finally feel like I'm on top of this stupid RPL mountain and finally on my way to overcoming it!!!!

Off to see if I can google LPD types!!!

OMG OMG OMG!

I really love this blog...

If you haven't checked this blog out yet you really, really should Miscarriage - Recurrent Miscarriage!!! I love the stuff that Sandy posts on this blog.

And in particular check out this blog post that Sandy posted! I will warn that this article is from 2008. Funny, I haven't heard of it being successful or anyone in the states trying it. I would like to do some more research about it and ask my doctor.

Here is what I found on wikipedia about anandamide:
"Anandamide is also important for implantation of the early stage embryo in its blastocyst form into the uterus. Therefore cannabinoids such as Δ⁹-THC might influence processes during the earliest stages of human pregnancy. Peak plasma anandamide occurs at ovulation and positively correlates with peak estradiol and gonadotrophin levels, suggesting that these may be involved in the regulation of AEA levels."

WTF?!?!

I'm angry. Very angry at my body!

Of all cycles that we do hormonal profile and I sit here typing this at 15 dpo. Seriously!?!? I haven't had a cycle like this for a long freakin' time. I'm lucky if I am 12 dpo by the time AF shows her ugly head.

I already checked...twice as a matter of fact...I'm NOT pregnant. So what gives?! Did I subconsciously think about this and my body said, "Ah we'll just F*$& w/ her since she s getting her blood work done this cycle." What gives?!

I'm pissed. I feel like this blood work was a waste this cycle. Can't wait to hear what my Ob/gyn has to say this time....

Last draw...

Last draw was today.

9 dpo:
Estradiol - 6
Progesterone - 5.8


What's this mean? I'll find out in 2 weeks.

Hormonal Analysis

So I'm now at O + 9 days (aka 9 dpo)....I've had 4 blood draws.

3 dpo:
Progesterone: 7.7   (yup definitely ovulated)
Estradiol: 66

5 dpo:
Progesterone: 13.3
Estradiol: 91

7 dpo:
Progesterone: 17.8
Estradiol: 103
LH: 1.8
FSH: 2.2

So I have no idea what "units" these are in. I know my Progesterone is WNL. But the other 3 are all new to me. I've tried searching on the internet and even asked on my message boards. However, most have never heard of testing LH & FSH except for on CD 3. I think, that they think my doctor is wacko but no just different. ;-) Which is what I need.

So Thursday I will get my levels from today and figure out what "units" these are performed in.

I still don't have a good feeling....I feel defeated and feel I'm doing this for nothing! Its a horrible feeling.

Wanted to share...

I added this to the Poems & Quote page but wanted to share here:

 "A short time ago it was announced on the evening news that there is an epidemic of obesity in my country. An "Epidemic", according to the night time news is 1 in 4 people. So that means anything that is a challenge health wise, bringing suffering must be an epidemic, right? If that's the case then I can confirm that in the western world we have a miscarriage epidemic.

Miscarriage is one of the most common and significant losses in a woman’s life, yet no one talks about it, no one openly discusses it and certainly no one understands it. Especially when it comes to understanding the devastating grief that goes with it.

When you become pregnant you enter a big club for women. Its a subculture. You are accepted into the club with open arms. But when you loose the baby youare no longer a part of this club and you can no longer "fit right back in" to where you were before you were pregnant. You are in limbo. There's no where to go.

At 14 weeks gestation I lost my baby. In fact I painfully gave birth to my dead baby on the bathroom floor, only to be told by friends "you can always have another one" and "yeah but you're a positive person, you'll get over it."

One friend said to me two weeks after I lost my baby "are you all okay now, back to your old positive self?" Was she kidding? Just because I'm a positive person doesn't mean I don't feel grief. (Where DOES that misconception come from?)

One woman I spoke to about it even tried to talk me out of my grief saying "yes but look at all the positives that have come out of it, I bet you're stronger now."

Positives? What's positive about a baby dying in your body?

One social worker friend who I was close to for over ten years didn't even call me when I left a message and told him what happened. He said later he was busy.

It's enough to drive you insane.

And the bonus line that Doctors and care providers love to give "Its very common." So are car accidents but you would never put your arm around a car accident victim and say "Don't worry its very common." You would feel like a right twit. But people don't seem to mind saying it to a woman who has just had a miscarriage. In fact people feel justified because it was not a "real" baby. It was just a bit of blood.

You see a woman connects with that baby from day 1. She imagines a giving birth to a beautiful baby who loves her, and whom she can love. She imagines the bond and the love with her from the moment she finds out she's pregnant. She imagines a 5 year old running around the house, sharing each others lives, sharing each others love. Pregnancy is the promise of a best friend who will never leave you. Its a happiness you can only liken to childhood joy at Christmas time, or being in love for the very first time. Its the most emotionally uplifting time of your life.

When the child dies, whether at 2 weeks of pregnancy or at 18 weeks, that happiness she felt becomes replaced with a crushing loss and heavy sadness. Its not only been taken from her, (often without any answers from medicos as to why) but the physical signs of a death has occurred right in her own body. The blood she experiences for almost two weeks is the blood of the death that has occurred in her own body. The death of the best friend.

The blood is frightening and so is the prospect of facing the world again with this devastating loss. And knowing that she will never get the right support, so she chooses to keep this a secret. This is accompanied with, (Often) crushing feelings of guilt. "What if I hadn't bent over to pick up the spoon that dropped on the floor", "what if I hadn’t stood up for so long at work, "what if I'd had the low fat biscuit instead of the full fat one" etc, etc. The mental hounding is unbearable.

You see the more people express their lack of support, the longer she grieves and the harder the grief is to accept.

The good news is that society can have a big influence on a woman’s healing and emotional recovery. Other people around her have the power to help her, and that’s a great thing. And you will be amzed at what a little thing does to help. Such loving and kind words at a time of loss has the most profound feelings of healing and acceptance. Its the difference between "not knowing how to get through this" and "gee maybe I can get through this after all." Thats the power that supportvie actions have on a woman who has just had a miscarriage.

Lets look at the healing power that we can have for her;

Firstly if a woman you know has had a miscarriage:

Don't try to talk her out of it by always talking about the positive things that have come out of it. Accept her feelings after all that blissful happiness has vanished and been replaced with loss and grief that has changed her as a person its so profound. There's nothing positive about loosing a beloved baby.

Don't Avoid her. She may feel totally rejected. If you are uncomfortable just remember it’s not about you; its about her. It’s her loss and you don't have to feel uncomfortable just because it’s a womens issue.

Don't try to "cheer her up." It will only appear worse and she will feel as if you are not really understanding her or wanting to let her be herself. She doesn't need "cheering up" she needs love and to talk about whats happened.

Don't give her advice. The last thing a grieving woman wants to hear is what she "should" do, or what she "must" so. It will feel like you are shutting out her deep feelings of sadness.

Don't say "yes but at least you have other children." The other children aren't the problem, the loss her new child is the problem, she wanted her new one just as much as she wanted the others. Each child is unique.

Don't say "well at least you conceived straight away, not many couples can do that." Whether it took her five minutes or five years to conceive she's still experienced a huge loss that has profoundly changed her life. She is now a different person.

The best thing that you can do is:

Support her and ask if there is anything you can do.

Send her flowers to acknowledge her loss.

Write a simple message on a card "sorry for the loss of your little baby."

Offer to help her honor her baby in the form of a plant or a candle.

Ask if she needs practical help such as housework or running errands.

Ask her what date the baby would have been born, then around that date send her some flowers to say you are thinking of her.

Take her out and celebrate her baby’s life, no matter how short it was it still touched her deeply.

Treat her miscarriage like you would the death of a loved one in her family- because the baby was a loved one who has indeed died.

And the best thing you can do to start changing how societies view of miscarriage; acknowledge it openly and talk about it with her.

Together we can make a significant change to grieving women and help them recovery and feel happiness again. Just a gentle support, a loving message, a phone call to say hi will be appreciated in ways she may not be able to express. Never underestimate how good your love can be."

Links to share

Its my 3rd post of the night, is this a record? Hey, when I have time, I have time. ;-)

So here is a link to a Catholic blog post about the National Shrine of the Divine Mercy located in Stockbridge, MA. Here you can find the Shrine of the Holy Innocent and even purchase a tile or candle holder with your LO's name on it.

Here is a website for the Holistic Momma, Pulling Down the Moon. Don't forget to check out the blog entries on fertility, IF, m/c. Another more holistic site I found recently is The Fertile Heart Approach founded by Julia Indichova. She is the author of, "Inconceivable" & co-author of "The Fertile Female. How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life & Change the World". Don't forget to check out her imagery Cd's, blog & her resources.

Here is a blog, Miscarriage - Recurrent Miscarriage, that has some excellent blog entries. I will be moving this over to my links.

That's it for now...have a great night!

Normal, normal, normal

Well, Dr. Daggs nurse called me and A-L-L my labs came back normal so far; bacterial cultures, STD cultures & my sonohystogram which we already knew was normal.

So onto hormonal labs which based on my CM looks like will be starting Wed. I'm going to consult with Erin since finding my peak day is critical for this test. I got a + OPK yesterday & had some right ovary twinges. So yay for O!

For what its worth, after reading the last article I posted I'm considering adding Vitamin D & Fish Oil to my daily medicine cocktail. I suffer from seasonal depression and anxiety. Since I share everything...I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety over 10 years ago when my parents seperated for some time. Ever since I did really well on a low dose of Prozac & occassional visits to a pshycologist. [I will say that I did not take Prozac after I was 6 months pg and while I was bf because if I remember correctly the baby can become dependent on it and at birth can go through withdrawl symptoms. Do NOT quote me on that.] It wasn't until last year that I had a huge relapse. It was bad, I almost checked myself into the hospital. My pshycologist of 8 years had just left the area and my PCP was clueless about it. I did well after we adjust the dose of my Prozac and finally found a new pshycologist but ever since I don't feel 100%. So maybe adding all of this will help. I will keep you posted.

Depression + MTHFR connection

I thought some of you might find this interesting. I didn't realize their was a link between MTHFR & depression/anxiety till Erin mentioned it at my recent chart review. It seems from what I've skimmed through on the internet most studies were with the C677T mutation and compound MTHFR mutation. Food for the Brain - Depression Article is a great article in general & suggests what you can change in your diet to help depression but especially scroll down & check out the "Increase Your Intake of B Vitamins" if you suffer from depression & have MTHFR and/or abnormal homocysteine levels.

It's 11:49 PM and I'm blogging....

Normally I wouldn't be up this late, but tonight we watched a movie. Mike fell asleep and I stayed up to watch the end. Afterwards I got on one of my message boards only to find a sweet recognition from a friend. Now I sit here bawling, sometimes barely able to make out the words I'm typing. So forgive the errors tonight.

Lord knows I don't deserve her recognition. I haven't been a good friend to her over the past few months. Instead I've only been in self preservation mode.

You see I was apart of their "pregnancy group" only to get "kicked out". Not literally but figuratively speaking that is how I feel. I really don't feel like I have a group to lean on. I feel like no one recognizes the pain I have been going through. I feel alone. Despite just lurking, its still hurtful. Its hurtful to hear well actually see all those that are pregnant and due in October. Their pregnant related concerns, fears, complaints...you name it. But even if I would give up that board, its all over facebook as well. I feel like I have no where to go that is welcoming of my "sort", shall I say?

How can such joy for someone bring such pain to someone else? I tell you I feel like a horrible person. I feel selfish. I feel bitter. I feel jealous. I feel resentment. I feel like I'm living hell here on earth even though my problems could be SO MUCH worse. Why can't I just get over this? Why can't I move on?

For the past 6 months, I have been reminded of my loss every day. At 20 weeks (10 weeks after my m/c), I knew that I should be finding out whether I was having a sweet baby girl or a precious baby boy. At that time I also knew I should be getting the nursery ready and changing Landon over to a big boy room. God damn it! Right now I should be 35 lbs heavier and complaining about my aches and pains and how my clothes don't fit. But I'm not. Instead I've lost a life time of memories with this child and 3 others.

WTF!?!?!

Today I had my sonohystogram/hysterosonogram/sonohysterogram. Don't worry, all of those are correct. I just looked it up. I will say it was uncomfortable but not terrible. Really it reminded me too much of my D&E's and the crampiness I've experienced with those. Basically they stick a catheter in your cervix and fill your uterus with saline so they can see what your uterus looks like and check for fibroids, scar tissue, cysts or any other abnormalities.

Mine....it showed nothing. The radiologist said that he would look over the pictures in more detail later but to expected a normal report to my doctor. FAB! <---sarcastic for fabulous! It didn't come as a shock to me. I suspected it would be completely normally. I just hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment when I go to get my post-peak phase lab work done. I'm banking on that to be what's screwed up.

I also learned that my FSH (6.4) & Estrogen (33) was normal on Monday, CD 3. So again, am I just setting myself up for disappointment and no answers; only to be told to just keep on trying? :::rolls eyes::: Who knows? But if the little black cloud that is hanging over us is still around I imagine that's what will happen.

For more information on sonohysterogram, click here.

Not much to report...

So as I was sitting waiting for the doctor to come in my anxiety went through the roof! I was worrying and debating in my head if this would be the place I would get my answers or not. I would love to tell you that I felt immediate relief as the doctor came in but in all honesty I didn't.

Dr. Daggs is a very nice lady, pregnant (I think) and extremely knowledgeable. Really she asked a lot of questions and explained things Erin and I already discussed. We discussed LPD, possible bacterial infections at my cervix and (I forget the medical term) where your cells of your cervix are flipped to the outside instead of the inside (can be caused by childbirth and could have been the cause for all my CM).

She did a pelvic exam and quickly announced the 3rd one was not an issue. So we have yet to figure out where all my CM comes from. She seemed pleased with everything else and the plan from here is to do a sonohysterogram either this Friday or Monday on CD 7 or 10. When I'm on my peak day I am to call and we are going to do a post peak phase blood draw (I think on Peak + 3 days, 5 days, 7 days, 9 days & 11 days) to see what my progesterone, estrogen, LH, FSH and ALL those lovely hormones stand. This will help determine if I have LPD or not.

So I follow up in 5 weeks and hopefully we should have some answers by then. Fingers and toes crossed!!!!

The Fertility Solution

A friend of mine gave me this website and I thought those who are suffering from RPL or infertility may be interested in it, The Fertility Solution.  The friend who gave me this website suffered from infertility and after trying the antibiotic therapy she was pregnant 6 months later with her little girl. From my understanding 6 months after starting the antibiotic therapy is the given time for the body to heal and correct itself. She used this as well as the Creighton model. You can also find this site under "Where I get my Information From" on the right hand side of this page.

MIA

I know I've been MIA and I apologize. However, the black cloud that has been following us since the new year continues to hover over us and our house.

I know this is not fertility related at all but I promise to get there. This past summer, during the hottest week of the year our AC broke. The unit was older than me by 2 years so Mike's grandparents definitely got their money out of this unit. However, we had to replace the furnace (3 years younger than me) as well because it would not be able to handle the new bigger and better AC unit. Do you seeing the flashing money signs??? So we (2 adults, 1 toddler and 2 dogs) were couped up in our master bedroom with a window AC unit for a week!! Within that week our hot water heater started leaking. WTF?! More money signs flashed by.

Fast forward to 6 weeks later (this past week). Tropical Storm Lee decided to make "his" presence known and dumped rain like crazy on Central PA. I can't tell you how many inches because I've had very little time to watch any news. I'll guess 10+ inches though. So Wednesday afternoon I came home to find 5 inches of water in our basement. The last time this basement saw water was during Hurricane Agnes, in the early 70's, before my time. Our sump pump never kicked on. So Mike hurried home from work and within an hour the water was pumped out. Our guys who replaced our AC, furnace & hot water heater came to check everything out. All were inspected and turned back on. :::whew:::

1:30 AM the following morning we lost electric. Within 3 hours, we had 8 inches of water in our basement. Our hot water heater was destroyed. :::sigh::: So I have to remember that we were blessed with only having 8 inches of water in our basement because many have lost their first floors to flood waters in local areas. But at the same time why is this black cloud following us?

1) We lost Sadie in mid March
2) I m/c at the end of March
3) Our AC died
4) We also had to replace our furnace and hot water heater
5) Came home the same day as our basement to find a leak in our roof and plaster from our ceiling on the floor.
6) 5inches of water in our basement, lost electric and then had 8 inches of water in basement that destroyed our 6 week old hot water heater

I'm not sure if that's how I should number things because we all know things happen in 3's. Well...we are way past three!!! I don't want to ask what else could go wrong because I've learned this year that it can always get worse.

Tomorrow is my appt with Dr. Daggs, my new ob/gyn. I'm surprised that its here already despite the long, long wait. It felt like forever, but this last week has flown by with all the drama. I'm so discouraged right now and I hope to get the show on the road tomorrow. One good thing is I'm on CD 2 so that means we'll be able to do CD 3 blood work tomorrow. YAY!!!!!!!!

I'm hoping to update tomorrow evening but if not look for an update by Tuesday evening. :-) I have to believe that things can only look up from here!

"We Must See Past What it Seems"

If you have not read this blog post! I highly recommend that you do. We Must See Past What it Seems

A friend posted this on my facebook wall after I updated my status from a quote I found; "The funny thing is, nobody really ever knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken, and we wouldn't even know."

That day I felt broken. I need acknowledgement of the pain I am going through. And I feel like so many forget and even more don't know what my pain is like.

Every day I deal with patients complaining to me of their physical pain; how bad their shoulder hurts, how much their back hurts, how they can't do the recreational activities that they want to do because of physical pain. Yes, I understand their pain. I've been through it myself but for once I would like someone to just ask me how I am doing. It gets old listening to their complaints and not being able to share mine. However, that is my fault. Many I choose not to share my personal grief with only because I want most of my relationships to be professional and not personal with patients. I think when I am feeling this way I really need to remember this article and remember that not only are they dealing with physical pain but they could be dealing with grief just like mine.

I need to learn to be less selfish...however, some days I would like a sign around my neck so people might be gentle with me.

:::HUGS::: to those who need them for whatever reason!!!

In the holding pattern....

I know I haven't wrote a whole lot in the past few weeks. Honestly I feel like banging my head against a freakin brick wall. I'm sooo tired of this holding pattern. Waiting for insurance, waiting  for my ob/gyn appt, waiting till we can start testing, waiting till we can start TTC. Its getting old!

I have my good days and bad days/ My sane days and my not so sane days. I have days where I'm not reminded and days I just want to lay in bed, cry and feel sorry for myself days. It doesn't help working across the hall from an ob/gyn. :-( I see ladies walk in with growing bellies and it makes me sad. It makes me sad because I know thats where I should be. I know I should be 31 weeks pregnant. :-( It just really freakin sucks. I can't believe Oct 23 is 2 months away. Its sad, very, very sad. The other days that I don't see women walking in with growing bellies someone always asks, "so when's your next one?" I mean really what do you say to that. "God willing?!" Or, do you just shrug and say in a casual tone, "I dunno." Its hard.

I feel bad that Landon will be at least 3 when he has a new sibling. Freaking 3 years old. Who would have ever thought? Its not what I planned but then what is now a days? I worry that he will be super jealous. I worry that him and his sibling will be too far apart to get a long. It's not fair!

So tonight I'll leave you with a new discovery about pre-eclampsia! Even if you don't have a child, this is great to read and educate yourself on Pre-E.

Scientists find cause of pre-eclampsia.

Low Progesterone or Estrogen Dominance

Great website for those who suspected low progesterone or estrogen dominance. Does this fit you??

Low Progesterone or Estrogen Dominance

I just want to surrender

I really just want to wave the white flag and surrender. Hey, it's a thought!

But if you really know me, I'm not going to. I may feel defeated and torn apart but this is how it goes. I know this, I know this feeling and remember it all too well.

However, after a week to mull this over, I am and was reminded that I still have other avenues. Its just frustrating that I keep going through this only to find dead ends. In fact its discouraging.

So right now my only option is to continue with NaPro and see where that avenue takes us. I may start researching some other specialist just as a back up but I'm pretty sure this is the avenue that will listen to me and follow through. I won't be just another number.

So I know I haven't done NaPro & the Creighton Model justice as far as explaining it and Erin gave me a pamphlet at our most recent appt that says:

"The Creighton Model Fertility Care System teaches couples to recognize, understand and record the changes that occur during the menstrual cycle. These changes indicate whether the reproductive system is functioning normally or not. [...]

FertilityCare Practitioners (FCPs) are allied health professionals, nurses and physician assistants who provide instruction in the Creighton Model. It is FCP who refers clients and couples to the Creighton Medical Consultants when charting of biomarkers indicates a need for intervention with NaPro Technology. NaPro is a new women's health science that is based on the Creighton Model FertilityCare System."

I thought it was a better explanation then maybe what I provided before. I just added the Creighton Model link to the side of this blog. Also for backround on the Creighton Model and for pictures of what various cycles may look like click here.

I mean I always "knew" when my fertile times were. That wasn't the reason for doing this. The reason for doing this was more to determine biomarkers that could make a connection with my RPL (ie. My last 3 days of my period I usually spot brown which most likely means a progesterone issue and/or LPD).

Erin continues to offer encouragement and support. Assuring me that Dr. Daggs will take me seriously and do the appropriate testing. We are sure she will do a full hormonal work up. I will probably be getting blood taking every 2-3 days to determine all hormonal levels throughout my cycle. So all in all I will have about 10 blood draws in 29 days. Seriously...could anyone else not order this test? :::sigh::: I mean it makes so much sense to me instead of just worrying about what it is on day 3; its the whole cycle that matters.

We may still test NK cells and do not only various blood draws but u/s too. All to see an empty uterus :-/ but it must be done so hopefully some day it won't be empty.


Here is a great chart to see what your hormone levels should be doing on various days.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Yoo hoo :::waves arms::: Yoo hoo Dr. Corely? Please come back. :::long sigh::: Why is my luck such crap? I'm determined though to focus on the positives too.

So...not crazy "in love" with Dr. Peters...at least not yet. I'm really curious as to what Dr. Corely would do from here. So in short this was our conversation:

The Good:

1) Dr. Peters most importantly listed to me. Which is half the battle with most doctors. He spent 40 minutes on the phone with me.

2) He was informative. A lot of what I've read though so nothing too, too new.

3) Since last speaking with Dr. Corely, the only thing discovered was the MTHFR. He said that is easily treated with extra folic acid. It doesn't seem like he will want to treat the MTHFR with lovenox or heparin. Which I'm totally fine not doing at this point.

4) He wants Mike to have a semen analysis asap!!

5) I'm set up for Sept 20th, to have a fluid ultrasound, NK assay, cervix culture & for Mike to have a SA. We will also have my FSH & E2 blood work completed at this point.

6) He acknowledge that I'm too young to have as many m/c's as I have had.

The Bad & The Ugly: (I'm combining these because I don't know what is what, it all fits)

1) Right away he was talking IVF. At this point there is no reason to go down that road, other then being able to genetically test the embryos before implantation. I mean I'm able to get pregnant. I have one healthy child. Why on earth would I want to do IVF and spend thousands of dollars?

2) My tone totally changed after we talked about this and made me a little disgusted. I asked about what he thought about LPD and explained the whole NaPro thing at this time and what we discovered. He responded 20 years ago he would have said yes its a possibility. However, in 1998 he was part of a huge study on LPD and did 1500 endometrium biopsies on women. Done were proven to have LPD. As you and I know you can put 5 lab specialists (radiologists, doctors, lawyers, vets etc) in one room and not come up with the same diagnosis. He said modern medicine does not believe so much in LPD. He said it may be that we just don't have the technology to discover it yet. (SERIOUSLY?!?!?!) So his suggestion if we do suspect that is we do progesterone no matter what after I ovulate. :::sigh::: Once again here we go treating the symptoms and not looking further into it.

For example, if I have a pt who has knee pain, I don't just treat her knee. Sometimes the knee is from weak hip muscles, poor footwear, poor body mechanics, SI dysfunction, etc....there is sooo much that could be causing that knee pain and I look at all these factors (well the PT does, the doctor should but half the time misses it). If I or the PT overlook these issues and just strengthen the knee musculature sure the knee will get better. More than likely that patient will be back in a year with the same damn problem. Sometimes its appropriate to say ok well if this doesn't work than lets try xyz & if not we'll try abc.

Getting to my point I feel like if they just give me progesterone just because they are only treating the symptom and maybe not the underlying cause. Again let's refer to this article, inciid.org

 "Should progesterone levels prove to be low, the temptation is often to "treat the symptom" by giving the patient progesterone supplementation during the luteal phase. In the case of inadequate corpus luteum performance, progesterone support may indeed be the appropriate solution. However, inadequate follicle development may also be causing the low progesterone levels. Thus, it is important to measure midcycle follicle size (via ultrasound) and estradiol levels (via a blood test)."

He was talking how biopsy's are rarely done now due to the inaccurate results. And I get that, I get that they are unreliable. I'm not asking for that. So it may be up to my new ob/gyn, Dr. Daggs to diagnose this properly and see WTH is wrong with my hormones.

3) He doesn't like that Mike is taking T. I don't blame him. But what can we do at this time?

I think that's it for now. Welcome to the good, the bad & the ugly.

So much CM...

There is not too much to update on. I had another appt with Erin to look over my chart and discussed things that were happening. We were able to better identify my peak day (the day I ovulated) this cycle. During the 2nd half of my cycle whenever I finger test I am to record the 2nd stretch vs the first stretch. Erin believes that I produce so much cervical mucous that the first stretch is much longer vs the second. She's been right, the 2nd stretch has been much less of a stretch than the first. So...hopefully that will help out some.
I have my phone consult with Dr. Peters on Tuesday and I made an appt to see Dr. Daggs at Women's for Center Health who will be my new ob/gyn. That appt is not until Sept 12, due to insurance. I'm ready to get this show on the road! I can finally say we're almost half way there.

Since I haven't been blogging much I've been throwing myself into genealogy. I signed up again for ancestry.com and that has been fun and exciting. Helping to get my mind off of things. I have made a lot of connections not only in the tree itself but with others on ancestry. I've even got in touch with my grandmother's cousin. Crazy? Yea I know and its so much fun! Gives me something to focus on and look forward to doing.

That's it for now. I'll try to update Tuesday after my phone consult. :::crossing my fingers and toes::: that everything goes well and I like this doctor.

Dr. Corely to Dr. Peters

I e-mailed Lisa, Dr. Corely's secretary over the weekend to get "my ducks in a row". I heard back from another lady, Brenda on Monday. I was finally able to get a hold of her today and she had some unfortunate news. Dr. Corely is leaving SIRM.

WHAT!?! Of course this is my luck. Grr...

Anyway she asked (politely too) if she could transfer me to Dr. Peters. I thoroughly discussed my issues with her and basically told her that no one has taken me serious. I'm 27 y.o. suffering with RPL and feel I have been over looked by doctors in my area. I asked if Dr. Peters would take me serious like Dr. Corely and she said "I think after one conversation with Dr. Peters you will be very happy." I read his little bio on SIRM's website and it sounds like he has enormous experience with RPL. So those two things eased my anxiety.

I have another (free) follow up phone consult, this time with Dr. Peters, on July 12th. :::Crossing my fingers & toes:::

We will discuss my finding on LPD (thanks to NaPro) and if any other farther testing is needed to confirm (other than FSH & E2 on CD3). If he foresees a HSG in my future and possibly get an idea of when that can happen. We will also discuss if he thinks the immune testing is needed since we have found MTHFR & LPD. I'm leaning now towards not having it done. I'm pretty convinced now that we know what caused 3 of my 4 m/c. We'll also review everything Dr. Corely and I discussed and my most recent test results.

Hopefully I'm on my way to getting my ducks in a row before September comes.

H1N1 Vaccine Linked to 700 Percent Increase in Miscarriages

This is an older article from Decmeber 2010. However, I found this interesting and alarming! I am not posting this to get into a vaccine arguement, to each their own, as long as YOU do your research and make an educated decision based on the research. But I'm really not sure how the CDC gets away with these things! Please read and share!

H1N1 Vaccine Linked to 700 Percent Increase in Miscarriages


EDIT - 7/10/10

After posting I realized I should explain a little. Many of you may disagree with me completely and I'm ok with that. All I ask is that you do not judge until you do research about vaccines. Only then can you make an informed decision.

I firmly belief there are 2 sides to every story. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth. I personally believe that we were given a strong immune system to fight off diseases. Unfortantly, 50 years ago many people lost their lives to these diseases. Why, because we didn't have vaccines? No. Simply because they did not have the modern medicine that we are fortunate to have. Things such as strong antibiotics.

How many of you reading trust the current government we have to make decsions? I'm not just talking about the president of the United States or the governer of your state. I'm talking about polotics in a whole. I know I surely don't trust them. And why would I trust them to make a decision mandating vaccines? Last time I checked they aren't medical doctors. Why do we need the government to get involved if vaccines in a whole are so good?

Now do I believe that the miscarriage rate has increased 700% due to H1N1 vaccine. I'm very doubtful. That's a super high precentage! Do I think that H1N1 vaccine has increased m/c rate, I have no doubt that its possible. Again, just my opinion.

Crappy Cycle

As I thought, this past cycle was crappy! Refer to image above. I had zero dry days meaning that every day I had some kind of peak type mucous. No wonder this cycle seemed so long!

I met with Erin last night and for this cycle I am going to keep a little notepad with me to record everything I see. Anal? Yes, that's me and its the only way I'm going to remember. Erin wants me to record any changes I see on a day to day basis so we can better determine the day of ovulation and my fertile time. I'm usually fairly confident when I ovulate & my fertile time. I have symptoms during this time but my CM (cervical mucous) just is not cooperating.

We both made an educated guess of when I ovulated and still this cycle shows LPD.  I'm almost certain that LPD was the cause of my 2 CP. I mean it only makes sense that my lining wasn't prepared enough and the blastocyte could not implant causing a chemical pregnancy.

So are you looking for an update on whether I exercised or not? BAHAHAHA! There is nothing to update about because I did nothing. I'm going to blame AF. I was ridiculously tired, so maybe this week I can drag myself out of bed to do some kind of exercise.

My mess...

Alright...its time! I can't take it anymore! Time for me to get off the couch and start exercising. I'm so over my flabby belly and no longer toned arms and legs. Blah! I feel like nothing fits.

I have to say I was completely naive to the fact that my body would not loose its "shape" after Landon. N-A-I-V-E! I've been thin all my life and felt it wouldn't be too hard getting back into shape. BTW ladies who are TTC and have baby angels...I am NOT complaining (ok maybe I am but I wouldn't trade my son for anything at all, not even my old body). Six years ago, I weighed 120 lbs and was dancing (ballet, jazz & tap) 5 days a week. I miss that body I had at 21. Things are just shaped so differently now that I feel like my clothes fit oddly and my underwear is riding up my butt constantly, that my bras don't lift these saggy boobs anymore despite spending (for the first time in my life) $50 on a Victoria secret bra.

So what am I doing about this? I'm getting off my @$$ starting tomorrow and working out. Goal is to do something 5 times a week but if I get 3 I will be really happy.

So what brought this on? I went to a dance recital last night. I miss dance. I have a hard time that I can't use the word "dancer" to define me anymore but I just don't have the time. I miss the end product and the adrenaline rush I get before going on stage.

This appearance issue also seems to play into our sex life. As well as other things. Am I the only one?

I can't even go shopping for Landon without getting depressed that I'm not 21 weeks pregnant. I'm 90% sure this baby was a girl. I was sure with Landon and I was sure with this one. Its just a feeling, weird but I had the same matter of fact feeling when I was dating Mike that he was the one an that some day I would marry him. As I was in Carters its soooooo hard not to look at the baby girl clothes on the other side of the store. They are so stinkin cute! Its just another reminder. For sure the scab is bleeding today.

This summer already seems like the never ending summer because I'm the most inpatient person in the world. We are currently NOT using any protection. I refuse to ever go back on the pill. Yes, I know there are other ways but its a choice I have to make, right? So basically its relying on natural family planning aka NaPro and I have NO freakin clue what is going on this cycle. Which totally effects "getting it on." And honestly sex is just another reminder that we can't, we can't TTC right now despite wanting to. ARRRGGGHHHH!!!

Soooo speaking of my NaPro chart, I will post pic of it soon. This cycle has been ridiculous though! I've had stretchy mucous for 3 weeks, since my period ended. I'm pretty sure I just ovulated the other day thanks to a positive OPK & some right abdominal pain. But this cycle is on like day 27 already. Its just very unusual. I'm almost thinking that my body is changing and trying to get on the same cycle as the girls I work with it. Seriously...I don't know what else it could be. And no, I'm not pg. I had the same thoughts so I took an OPK a few days after my positive OPK and it was negative. For those who don't know the only times you can get a positive on an OPK is when you are either ovulating or pregnant. Here's a nice source to explain further.

That's my mess for today.

Don't forget about those sitting in the corner.

I feel like a little girl who is at a party who escapes off in a corner only for everyone to forget about. Other kids may try to include you but you exclude yourself because for one reason or another you just aren't happy there or can't find joy in the celebration.

I'm that girl. Only I'm an adult, and not enjoying the adult party for expecting women or even women TTC.

Selfish? Jealous? Envious? Yes...maybe; but this is how I feel. I'm not sure how to change it! And if I do change it, is that really being me? I guess maybe a better me but I'm not one who likes to pretend.

I'm over the announcements on fb. I'm over the ultrasound pictures on fb. I'm over the gender announcements. I'm over the status updates about what people are doing with their new family of 4. It all drives me a little bonkers. And I am I guilty? Absolutely! I had 3 losses before Landon so of course I was excited to share my milestones even on fb, not thinking of what others were going through. It's just frustrating that very, very few of these friends can even begin to understand. Remember only 1% of couples suffer from RPL.

I finally felt like the wound was healing and I was getting over the hump. Now I feel like my scab is being picked at each and every time I'm reminded of not being pregnant.

Trust me I don't sit around all day long feeling sorry for myself. However these posts may make you think otherwise but really I don't. Its just there as well as constant reminders.

I've participated in a study since Landon was a few weeks old called the first baby study. Its being performed by Penn State Medical Center. Last night I was on the phone with them for a 6 month survey. One of the first questions, "Have you been pregnant since the last time we spoke?" My answer, "yes." "So you are currently expecting," answered the person on the other side. "No, I had a missed m/c at 10 weeks," I said. "Oh," was the answer to that. :::Sigh::: From there she proceeded to ask me questions about the m/c and had I seen a doctor since our last conversation and what for. Well, of course I had to go through well I had an Ob/Gyn appt for this and that and then I had a surgery and blah blah blah. Is my scab bleeding yet?

I know her job isn't to become personal with me but honestly a sorry would have been sufficient. Or is it really that taboo just like breast cancer once was? Are people caught so off guard that they don't know what to say?

As promised, more about MTHFR

"MTHFR gene mutations are fairly common; nearly half the population of the United States may be at least heterozygous for a MTHFR gene mutation."

"However, hereditary thrombophilias are NOT universally accepted as a cause of recurrent miscarriages -- the ONLY thrombophilia disorder with a widely accepted treatment is antiphospholipid syndrome."

MTHFR or methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase is a gene that every single one of us carry. Like all genes some of us carry mutated genes as the ones I discussed before, A1298c & C677t. Those who carry these mutations lack the enzyme activity to break down folic acid into L-methylfolate or the active form of folic acid. They also lack the ability to break down Vitamin B.

So what does folic acid do? Why is it so important? Folic acid helps to repair, synthesize and methylate DNA. Folic acid is needed to aid in cell division and growth (When a women is 3 weeks pregnant the zygote divides into two cells, then 4 cells, 8 cells, 16 cells and each cell continues to divide every 12 hours.). Pretty important, huh?

Those who are deficent in folic acid may be at higher risk for heart disease, stroke, depression, obesity, cancer, allergic diseases, osteoporosis, miscarriage, birth defects, and more. Folate is important for both men and women's fertility.

Sometimes, MTHFR mutation can raise your homocysteine levels which is a direct result of not metabolising folic acid and Vitamin B properly. When homocysteine levels are high the blood clots easier.

Unfortantly as stated above many doctors do not even recognize this as a cause for miscarriage or RPL. Therefore many doctors do NOT even test let alone treat MTHFR because of the lack of evidence to link MTHFR to m/c or RPL.


Some helpful resources:

- Pregnancy-info

- About.com - MTHFR

- About.com - Homocysteine

- Wikipedia - Folic Acid

- NeevoDHA - The Methylation Cycle - warning for those who are sensitive to belly bumps, this site is full of pregnant women.

Hope these resources are as helpful to you as they are to me.

More Answers? Possibly

Could it be? Could it really be?

I had my 2nd private session with Erin tonight regarding my NaPro chart. Interesting enough my first full cycle not only showed light brown spotting at the end of my period (possibly a progesterone issue) BUT a very short luteal phase!! Umm...I've been asking about this since before Landon. I have always ovulated late and when I say late I mean like day 18ish of a 28 day cycle. This previous cycle I ovulated 7 days before I got my period. WTF?!

I'm so happy to be getting answers but why has no one listened to me until now? Is it really that hard? So as soon as we get some insurance I will have my hormonal tests done (FSH & E2). It could have just been a weird cycle so we'll see what cycle #2 on the NaPro chart says. On the other hand I don't think this is just a coincidence of two issues that revolve around progesterone.

Since I brought it up let's talk about the luteal phase and what a luteal phase defect means. If you are reading this blog you probably know that in a woman's regular cycle ovulation occurs half way through. So if you have a 28 day cycle ovulation will most likely occur around day 14. After ovulation occurs progesterone is released by the corpus luteum to develop and increase the lining of the uterus so implantation can occur. So from the time of ovulation to the day you get your period is known as the luteal phase.

However, if you have a luteal phase defect this means there are too few day between ovulation and menstration. Therefore, there is not enough time for the corpus luteum to produce progesterone. This will result in poor uterine lining causing an early m/c. Remember, I've had two CP.

Does this take a genius to figure out? Apparently. Some doctors don't even believe in this defect. Why? You'll have to ask them because it seems like common sense to me.

So LPD (luteal phase defect) does not stop there. There are actually three possible causes and its important to know which one you are dealing with. Some doctors only treat this defect with progesterone but sometimes this is not enough. For more information on the 3 types of LPD and how it can be treated click here.

So for now that is all.

As Landon approaches two...

Excuse me while I feel sorry for myself. For some reason something trigger the poor poor pitiful me button tonight.

As Landon approaches two I keep remembering how close we would be to finding out whether we would be having a girl or boy. As much as I wanted a girl I was ready to welcome another boy into this world to snuggle with and play cars with.

I feel awful! I should be happy that I have a sweet healthy little boy that is going to be two! Instead I can only think of my failure of losing his brother or sister. Now you can tell me it wasn't my fault, I know that it was out of my hands but it doesn't keep me from thinking this way.

There are reminders everywhere. The girl who works down the hallway at my new job who is an ultrasound tech with a 20 week protruding belly. She told me (not knowing of course) that when I did get pg she could do my u/s at 12-13 weeks and tell me what I'm having. All I wanted to say was "Yeah I should be 18 1/2 weeks now." :::sigh::: But of course I don't.

I'm reminded by the maternity clothes that still hang in my closet that I washed because I knew my regular clothes soon wouldn't fit.

I'm reminded because we have to be cautious now, not having insurance and all. This wouldn't be the time to get pregnant! I think this is the hardest thing to face. If we had all our answers (blood tests) and were TTC, I think I could throw myself into that and let it in God's hands. But we're not there yet. I don't want to wish summer away because I LOVE summer. I don't want it to be fall yet because my EDD would be right around the corner.

Its just so hard. It sucks so bad. I hate this. Today I feel alone.

What Testing Can be Done for RPL? #3

The immune system is a very complex system. When an illness occurs and the body's tissues are attacked by its own immune system, this is known as an autoimmune disorder or disease. Some autoimmune issues include systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), rheumatoid arthritis, juvenile diabetes (type 1), etc. All of these issues can contribute to infertility or RPL.

The immune system is another complex system. I will do my best to explain how it works but please check this site out "How Your Immune System Works".

"The immune system is balanced between a Th1 (autoimmune) and Th2 (pregnancy or suppressive) response. Most people have a balanced system. Women with implantation failure or RPL are unbalance. They are too Th1 activated with the autoimmune 'bad guys'."

-Dr. Alan E. Beer

What are Th1 & Th2? Well these are T-helper cells (CD4) or a type or white blood cells (leukocytes) that are produced in the Thymus (hence the T), the gland next to the heart. Th1 cells are responsible for sending a chemical message called lymphokines. This chemical message is sent to B cells (produced in the bone marrow) telling them to make antibodies. Th2 cells are a second type of T-helper cells that act to restrain antibodies. Th2 cells help the body to accept foreign material or cells. In sense, Th1 cells are the "aggressors" cells and the Th2 cells are the "pacifiers" cells. If the Th1 cells become overly aggressive they can attack the wrong targets causing an autoimmune disorder. However, sometimes Th2 is overly suppressing of the Th1 cells and this can leave the body very vulnerable, susceptible not only to infection but tumors as well.

All this talk about antibodies; so what are they? Antibodies are proteins that destroy antigens aka virus, bacteria, fungi or any harmful substance that enters the body. Every antibody belongs to a group of proteins called immunoglobulins (Ig). Attached to the surface of a B cell is an Ig molecule.

Hopefully this is making some sense and you can now see why the Th1:Th2 ratio is so important now. Moving on to what may also accompany an antibody onslaught. An overproduction of proinflammatory cytokines also known as the cells messenger. Cytokines "interact with cells of the immune system in order to regulate the body's response to disease and infection". They also "mediate normal cellular processes in the body".

These messages in between cells then prompts the NK cells, macrophanges, neutophilis and T cells to go in for the kill. Most commonly they will attack connective tissue (tendons, skin, muscles, etc), joints, nerves, thyroid and pancreas. These particular targets cause some commonly known autoimmune diseases including Arthritis, Lupus, Graves' Disease, Crohns Disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Guillain-Barre Disease and psorasis.

There is a test called Th1:Th2 Cytokine Assay that simply counts the number of each Th1 & Th2. While searching for normal lab values I came across this journal article Systemic Th1/Th2 cytokine responses to paternal and vaccination antigens in preeclampsia". Interestingly enough it was thought that a "Th1 shift has been suggested to be involved in the pathogenesis of preeclampsia". Hmm...however, apparently this article proved Th1 to be no different. Anyway, I have had poor results in finding a "normal" lab value for Th1:Th2 Cytokine Assay. If anyone has any insight please do not hesitate to comment below.

One other thing I want to review are ANA's or antinuclear antibodies. These are antibodies designed to go attack a cells nucleus. ANA is another test that can be performed with those who have infertility or RPL issues. Just because one ANA is positive does not indicate a cause of infertility or RPL. The presence of one antibody mayindicate other autoimmune issues. ANA's commonly go hand in hand with hyperactive NK cells.

"ANAs are found in 20-30% of women with RPL."

"7% of women who are unable to conceive naturally produce antibodies to sperm."

Two types of antithyroid antibodies (ATA's) exist: antithyroid peroxidase and antithyroglobulin antibodies. ATA's are also linked to a predisposition to other autoimmune disease. One important factor I want to mention is it is important when testing for ATA's that the lab use the test ELISA. If a less sensitive one is used 1 in 5 women who carry ATA's will go undetected. Women with ATA's should also be tested for elevated levels of CD56+ NK cells, CD19+/5+ cells and activated T cells, according to Dr. Beer.

- 30% of women with RPL will test positive for one or both ATA's and are twice as likely to have a m/c then women without ATA'S.

LAC or Lupus Anticoagulant are antibodies against phospholipids that prevent blood clotting in a test tube. The presence of LAC my be responsible for causing tiny blood clots. Lupus antibodies may be present in those with systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) or without SLE. Due to temporary side effects of an infection, this test should be repeated in 6-8 weeks.

All this talk about Natural Killer Cells (NK Cells). What are they? They are type of white blood cells or lymphocytes responsible for attacking viruses and/or cancer. According to MILab website a NK cell assay, "tests the killing function of circulating NK cells as well as the ability of interleukin-2 (IL2) to stimulate and intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIg) to suppress that activity. NK activity can be measured as a bioassay that determines the ability of activated NK cells to kill their target (K562 cell line)."

- Approximately 40% of patients undergoing IVF who have been diagnosed with endometriosis display increased NK activity.

The following tests are from Dr. Beer's book, with little side comments about each. You can also find some of this information on his website.

CD3 (Pan T cells) - Normal Range: 63-86% - If CD3 is low this is when the immune system is weak. Typically infertile patients or RPL patients often have high normal range values.

CD4 (T-helper cells) - Normal: 31-53% - Again women with fertility problems are typically in the high normal range value. Those who are low could have a serious health problem.

CD8 (T-Cytotoxic Suppressors) - Normal: 17-35% - These cells moderate the activity of Th-1 lymphocytes. In women with RPL/infertility, CD8 is often low.

CD19 (B-Cells) - Normal: 3-8% - Once again usually women with high normal OR elevated percentages are in women with immune-mediated infertility or RPL.

CD56+/CD16+ (Natural Killer Cells) - Normal: 3-12% - Levels are often elevated in women with infertility or RPL, leading to IVF failure, BO, or CP.

CD56+ (Natural Killer Cells) - Normal: 3-12% - These particular NK cells can be turned on by pregnancy & deteriorates the embryo.

CD3/IL-2R+ Cells - Normal: 0-5% - Women who have an autoimmune disease may also have above-average levels.

CD19+/5+ (B-1 Cells) - Normal: 2-10% - These particular cells can produce antibodies to hormones and neurotransmitters.

Are you confused yet? Yes, this is all very overwhelming and can be very confusing! I hope I've simplified some of this information that you aren't confused right now. I remember the first time I read "Is Your Body Baby-Friendly?" I skipped a lot of it because even coming from a medical background the medical jargon intimidated me. Its ok. This is nothing that you need to understand over night.

Another Perspective

I should know better than to ask people what they think of my problems. Unfortunately I require a lot of reassurance but sometimes I don't get that. I get the opposite of that and that for me can make my head spin and spin and spin. Then I'm back to needing reassurance. It is a vicious cycle you see.

Getting on to my story. I recently spoke to a retired Ob/Gyn that I know. I believe he practiced in the 60's - 80's maybe early 90's. However, I've asked for his opinion a few times over the past few months. Back when I was pg we had a conversation about miscarriages. Ever since the 1960's he has been a firm believer in extra folic acid, before there was a big push for folic acid (especially in women w/ RPL). So he always thought folic acid contributed in some way.

Recently I was discussing what has been discovered as far as being MTHFR positive and the treatment that it may require. He was not familiar with MTHFR since (I think) it was discovered in the 90's. After I got done explaining everything he warned me to be careful especially with going the route of Lovenox. Supposedly Lovenox is "too big" to carry over into the placenta but some science debates this original finding. He warned me not to get too caught up in this that it can become dangerous when your grasping for straws. :::sigh:::

[God darn it! I don't care if I'm grasping at damn little strings...I need something. This is ridiculous being 27, having 5 pregnancies and only one child to show for it.]

He also implied that because I have a healthy child that its like you start over and aren't considered to have RPL again until you m/c two or more times. He said you may not be at any greater risk than the average women now. More or less this last m/c could have been a 1 in 4 chance like any other woman. [psychotic tone: WHAT?! Are you kidding me!] Really just because I had a child means I get a fresh start? Too bad my emotions don't.

Could it be?

No I'm not pregnant. BUT after TTC since Oct 2007, changing Ob/Gyns not once but twice, changing from a local RE to an out of state RI, after 4 m/c and one live birth...I have a answer and possibly more to come.

I finally got my blood tests back that I had done at the end of April. And drum roll please..............one test came back POSITIVE!!! Seriously?! After 4 m/c? It infuriates me BUT at the same time I'm thrilled to no end to have an answer if not more to come.

So I'm positive for MTHFR. Not only am I positive for the gene mutation A1298c I carry T-W-O! Yes, that makes me homozygous. From my understanding, homozygous is worse then if I only had 1 copy or heterozygous. So let's review a little. MTHFR puts people more at risk for blood clots, in this case usually in very small and tiniest blood vessels. Guess where tiny blood vessels exisit? Yup, your uterus among other places.

So why does this put you more at risk for blood clots? Well when the mutation exists your body does not absorb Folic Acid properly possibly due to a lack of Vitamin B complex (B6 & B12, I think). So not ony will I be taking extra folic acid I will also be taking extra Viamin B6 & B12. There is a possibility since I'm homozygous that they may recommend taking Lovenox as soon as I get a bfp. Obviously there are pro's and con's to Lovenox but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

There is another MTHFR mutation, C677T that is worse then A1298C. And a compound meaning a carrier of each mutation is just as bad.

I have some questions as to whether DH & Landon should be tested. Why did I have such a normal pregnancy with Landon? Thank GOD I did! I'm curious if DH is a carrier of the mutation or not. Is it possible if he is at least heterozygous that all the babies we lost were homozygous and Landon was not? Would that affect anything or have nothing to do with it? I DON'T KNOW. If you know anything about me...I HATE NOT KNOWING!!!!!

Or is it possible after being on extra folic acid since my 1st baby, my body was getting enough and Landon was a result of 10 months extra folic acid? Not sure.

Having MTHFR will not only affect you during your childbearing years; it will put you at higher risk for thrombosis (blood clots), arteriosclerosis (hardening of arteries), Alzheimer's, stroke, heart attack, Fibromyalgia, migraines (especially with "Aura" migraines), osteoporotic fractures, bone marrow disorders and for those of child bearing years, it has found to be connected to higher incidences of down's syndrome, spina bifida, other neural tube defects, trisomy, miscarriage, stillbirth, implantation failure, placental abruption, preeclampsia, higher incidences of autism, among others.

So expect to see some new resources in the upcoming weeks about MTHFR.