Normally I wouldn't be up this late, but tonight we watched a movie. Mike fell asleep and I stayed up to watch the end. Afterwards I got on one of my message boards only to find a sweet recognition from a friend. Now I sit here bawling, sometimes barely able to make out the words I'm typing. So forgive the errors tonight.
Lord knows I don't deserve her recognition. I haven't been a good friend to her over the past few months. Instead I've only been in self preservation mode.
You see I was apart of their "pregnancy group" only to get "kicked out". Not literally but figuratively speaking that is how I feel. I really don't feel like I have a group to lean on. I feel like no one recognizes the pain I have been going through. I feel alone. Despite just lurking, its still hurtful. Its hurtful to hear well actually see all those that are pregnant and due in October. Their pregnant related concerns, fears, complaints...you name it. But even if I would give up that board, its all over facebook as well. I feel like I have no where to go that is welcoming of my "sort", shall I say?
How can such joy for someone bring such pain to someone else? I tell you I feel like a horrible person. I feel selfish. I feel bitter. I feel jealous. I feel resentment. I feel like I'm living hell here on earth even though my problems could be SO MUCH worse. Why can't I just get over this? Why can't I move on?
For the past 6 months, I have been reminded of my loss every day. At 20 weeks (10 weeks after my m/c), I knew that I should be finding out whether I was having a sweet baby girl or a precious baby boy. At that time I also knew I should be getting the nursery ready and changing Landon over to a big boy room. God damn it! Right now I should be 35 lbs heavier and complaining about my aches and pains and how my clothes don't fit. But I'm not. Instead I've lost a life time of memories with this child and 3 others.
WTF!?!?!
Today I had my sonohystogram/hysterosonogram/sonohysterogram. Don't worry, all of those are correct. I just looked it up. I will say it was uncomfortable but not terrible. Really it reminded me too much of my D&E's and the crampiness I've experienced with those. Basically they stick a catheter in your cervix and fill your uterus with saline so they can see what your uterus looks like and check for fibroids, scar tissue, cysts or any other abnormalities.
Mine....it showed nothing. The radiologist said that he would look over the pictures in more detail later but to expected a normal report to my doctor. FAB! <---sarcastic for fabulous! It didn't come as a shock to me. I suspected it would be completely normally. I just hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment when I go to get my post-peak phase lab work done. I'm banking on that to be what's screwed up.
I also learned that my FSH (6.4) & Estrogen (33) was normal on Monday, CD 3. So again, am I just setting myself up for disappointment and no answers; only to be told to just keep on trying? :::rolls eyes::: Who knows? But if the little black cloud that is hanging over us is still around I imagine that's what will happen.
For more information on sonohysterogram, click here.
Lord knows I don't deserve her recognition. I haven't been a good friend to her over the past few months. Instead I've only been in self preservation mode.
You see I was apart of their "pregnancy group" only to get "kicked out". Not literally but figuratively speaking that is how I feel. I really don't feel like I have a group to lean on. I feel like no one recognizes the pain I have been going through. I feel alone. Despite just lurking, its still hurtful. Its hurtful to hear well actually see all those that are pregnant and due in October. Their pregnant related concerns, fears, complaints...you name it. But even if I would give up that board, its all over facebook as well. I feel like I have no where to go that is welcoming of my "sort", shall I say?
How can such joy for someone bring such pain to someone else? I tell you I feel like a horrible person. I feel selfish. I feel bitter. I feel jealous. I feel resentment. I feel like I'm living hell here on earth even though my problems could be SO MUCH worse. Why can't I just get over this? Why can't I move on?
For the past 6 months, I have been reminded of my loss every day. At 20 weeks (10 weeks after my m/c), I knew that I should be finding out whether I was having a sweet baby girl or a precious baby boy. At that time I also knew I should be getting the nursery ready and changing Landon over to a big boy room. God damn it! Right now I should be 35 lbs heavier and complaining about my aches and pains and how my clothes don't fit. But I'm not. Instead I've lost a life time of memories with this child and 3 others.
WTF!?!?!
Today I had my sonohystogram/hysterosonogram/sonohysterogram. Don't worry, all of those are correct. I just looked it up. I will say it was uncomfortable but not terrible. Really it reminded me too much of my D&E's and the crampiness I've experienced with those. Basically they stick a catheter in your cervix and fill your uterus with saline so they can see what your uterus looks like and check for fibroids, scar tissue, cysts or any other abnormalities.
Mine....it showed nothing. The radiologist said that he would look over the pictures in more detail later but to expected a normal report to my doctor. FAB! <---sarcastic for fabulous! It didn't come as a shock to me. I suspected it would be completely normally. I just hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment when I go to get my post-peak phase lab work done. I'm banking on that to be what's screwed up.
I also learned that my FSH (6.4) & Estrogen (33) was normal on Monday, CD 3. So again, am I just setting myself up for disappointment and no answers; only to be told to just keep on trying? :::rolls eyes::: Who knows? But if the little black cloud that is hanging over us is still around I imagine that's what will happen.
For more information on sonohysterogram, click here.
Jess - you are a wonderful friend. It's OK to be sad and bitter. But I hope you don't feel that way all the time. You deserve to be happy.
ReplyDeleteHugs.