"A Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~Author unknown~
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A Mother's Prayer & Affirmation After Miscarriage
In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.
I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.
During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.
I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this.
I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.
I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.
In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.
Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.
Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.
Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.
Let me honor this short life not only with my love, but in finding meaning in its existence.
Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.
Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.
I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.
I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
By Stacey Dinner-Levin
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My Lord, the baby is dead! Why, my Lord – dare I ask why ? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face – it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord ?“Why, My child – do you ask ‘why’ ? Well, I will tell you whyYou see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty – he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so that the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool – forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
-Mother M. Angelica.
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Dear God,
People ask me how I am coping. I’ve learned to smile in company. I’ve learned to appear calm and even relaxed. But this is not the real me.It is a person that I watch going through the motions of living. Inside, I’m still screaming, or else I’m just numb. Sometimes the ache is so strong that my whole body is racked with pain. The pain and the questions are often bound up together. Why did I have to miscarry (again)? The questions chase around inside my mind. I feel there ought to be answers. I feel I am owed some explanations. Yet no explanations come, and there seems to be nowhere to go to find any. You alone know the reasons for our loss. Help me to accept your mysterious ways and your divine plan for me, which may differ from my human hopes and dreams. Help us to understand that at the very heart of the universe there is not despair but hope, not evil but a God of love. Amen.
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"Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty – he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so that the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth."
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Prayer for a Successful Pregnancy
Powerful is your intercession with God, Mary, for you are his mother. Tender , too, is your love for us, for you are our mother. Confidently , then, I come to you as a child, poor and needy, to seek your aid and protection. In every trial of motherhood, I beg your aid. For the grace of a happy delivery, I come to you. For your holy assistance in guarding and directing each tiny soul with which God entrusts me, I call to you. In every sorrow that comes to me in my motherhood, I confide in you.
That I may have strength to bear cheerfully all the pains and hardships of motherhood, I lean on you. That the sweetness of motherhood may not through my neglect be embittered in later years by pains of regret, I trust in you.
That the will of God may always be fulfilled in me through each act of my motherhood, little and great, I beg your aid. Never forsake me dear Mother, my hope, my consolation, my confidence, and my trust, but ever be at my side to aid and protect me, your needy child. Amen.
Mother of Love, of Sorrow, and of Mercy, Pray for us!"
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"No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why."
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Heaven's Playground
by BSC
Sitting alone on a crescent moon,
Dipping her toes in the stars,
This tiny little angel,
Nibbling on chocolate bars.
Perched on the edge with her fishing pole,
What can she catch in the sky?
Perhaps a little cherub,
Who's just learning how to fly.
From a star another is swinging,
His wings brushing to and fro,
Wiggling his feathers and pumping his legs,
This swing just goes too slow!
What is that over there?
On the tail of a comet they ride,
It's two more little angels,
Playing on heaven's slide.
The sweet sound of children laughing,
So happy, yet not very loud,
A group of tiny cherubs,
Tumbling about on a fluffy white cloud.
Feathers floating everywhere,
Tiny halos askew on their heads,
Full of vim and vigor,
With nary a thought of their beds.
These precious protectors of the night
Have caught me quite off guard,
As they frolic through the heavens
Safely in God's backyard
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Silent Losses
by Chris Dixon
Silent losses I have suffered.
Ones that most can't see.
From the moment I knew she was there,
she was a part of me.
They said she was a fetus,
but I know thats not true.
They did not feel the things I felt,
or know the things I knew.
Someone who's never felt a baby
growing deep inside,
cannot possibly understand
a mothers joy and pride.
Each day I held my tummy
and spoke to my little one.
A life alone in darkness,
she had become my sun.
I lived for her
I breathed for her
I dreamed of her each night.
Longing for her day of birth,
when I could hold her tight.
But then,
my dreams were shattered.
My baby went away.
A pool of blood beneath me
I fell to my knees and prayed.
Please Dear God, I beg of you
Do not take her from me,
She's all I ever wanted
All I will ever be.
Spontaneous Abortion
is what the doctors say
nothing to be concerned about,
its mother natures way.
Some people tried to comfort me
some said it's for the best.
With the first they said I was too young,
but what about the rest?
She was the first of many.
Taken to God above.
Although they are not here with me
I give them all my love.
No one seems to understand
the losses I have felt.
Sometime I just can't deal with
the cards that I've been dealt.
How can I be a woman
if a child I can't bear?
So many silent losses
yet no one seems to care.
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I never got to hold you.
I never saw your face.
But deep inside my heart,
You’ll always hold a place.
I never heard your heart beat,
But I know that it was there.
I never saw you on an ultrasound,
I never got a peek,
I never got to lay you in the ground,
I never knew your future would be so very bleak.
I never got to kiss your cheeks,
I never got to stroke your hair,
I carried you with me only a few short weeks,
And I wonder every day what it would be like,
If you were here instead of there.
Someone once said that time heals all,
But someone never lost a child so very small.
The heartache never ceases,
It may not be as intense as it was to start,
But that’s because I’ve gotten used to
This stabbing pain inside my heart.
The tears are always there,
Just beneath the surface,
I remember thinking how unfair,
That you should have to leave me
before I was prepared.
I remember the desolation,
The resignation, and the overwhelming sorrow,
I remember giving up, life just wasn’t enough.
I remember wishing it had been me instead of you,
And even to this day,
Sometimes I still do.
People tell me to be grateful, that I wasn’t further along
And sometimes I think they’re right,
But other times they’re wrong.
At least I could have held you,
And seen your angel face,
I could have kissed your cheeks,
And smoothed your hair in place,
What I would’ve done,
To get a few more weeks with you.
I could have held you to my heart,
I could have said good bye,
I never got to look into your eyes,
I never heard you cry.
This hurt will never soften,
And even though I’ve learned to cope,
I still think of you so often,
And wish that you were here.
I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
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Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
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Dear Precious One,
For those few weeks I had you to myself my life was changed profoundly. You were hidden beneath my heart and my love for you grew in it. You came to trust me with your life, oh what a life I had planned for you.
When I lost you, I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams and aspirations, part of my future vanished overnight. There wasn’t enough time to convince others how special and important you were to me.
You are gone but others aren’t morning your passing. They tell me no one would cry over a tiny unfinished baby, or get depressed and withdraw day after day, no one else would so why am I?
You were there just those few weeks, my little one. You darted in and out of my life too quickly, but that seems that’s all the time you needed to leave your signature on my heart and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
Love,
Mommy
-From the book Greiving the Child I Never Knew, by Kathe Wunnenburg
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"A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had.
But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know."
~ Barbara Kingsolver (Animal Dreams)
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"After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for an unlived life. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of the baby who has died. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."
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A short time ago it was announced on the evening news that there is an epidemic of obesity in my country. An "Epidemic", according to the night time news is 1 in 4 people. So that means anything that is a challenge health wise, bringing suffering must be an epidemic, right? If that's the case then I can confirm that in the western world we have a miscarriage epidemic.
Miscarriage is one of the most common and significant losses in a woman’s life, yet no one talks about it, no one openly discusses it and certainly no one understands it. Especially when it comes to understanding the devastating grief that goes with it.
When you become pregnant you enter a big club for women. Its a subculture. You are accepted into the club with open arms. But when you loose the baby youare no longer a part of this club and you can no longer "fit right back in" to where you were before you were pregnant. You are in limbo. There's no where to go.
At 14 weeks gestation I lost my baby. In fact I painfully gave birth to my dead baby on the bathroom floor, only to be told by friends "you can always have another one" and "yeah but you're a positive person, you'll get over it."
One friend said to me two weeks after I lost my baby "are you all okay now, back to your old positive self?" Was she kidding? Just because I'm a positive person doesn't mean I don't feel grief. (Where DOES that misconception come from?)
One woman I spoke to about it even tried to talk me out of my grief saying "yes but look at all the positives that have come out of it, I bet you're stronger now."
Positives? What's positive about a baby dying in your body?
One social worker friend who I was close to for over ten years didn't even call me when I left a message and told him what happened. He said later he was busy.
It's enough to drive you insane.
And the bonus line that Doctors and care providers love to give "Its very common." So are car accidents but you would never put your arm around a car accident victim and say "Don't worry its very common." You would feel like a right twit. But people don't seem to mind saying it to a woman who has just had a miscarriage. In fact people feel justified because it was not a "real" baby. It was just a bit of blood.
You see a woman connects with that baby from day 1. She imagines a giving birth to a beautiful baby who loves her, and whom she can love. She imagines the bond and the love with her from the moment she finds out she's pregnant. She imagines a 5 year old running around the house, sharing each others lives, sharing each others love. Pregnancy is the promise of a best friend who will never leave you. Its a happiness you can only liken to childhood joy at Christmas time, or being in love for the very first time. Its the most emotionally uplifting time of your life.
When the child dies, whether at 2 weeks of pregnancy or at 18 weeks, that happiness she felt becomes replaced with a crushing loss and heavy sadness. Its not only been taken from her, (often without any answers from medicos as to why) but the physical signs of a death has occurred right in her own body. The blood she experiences for almost two weeks is the blood of the death that has occurred in her own body. The death of the best friend.
The blood is frightening and so is the prospect of facing the world again with this devastating loss. And knowing that she will never get the right support, so she chooses to keep this a secret. This is accompanied with, (Often) crushing feelings of guilt. "What if I hadn't bent over to pick up the spoon that dropped on the floor", "what if I hadn’t stood up for so long at work, "what if I'd had the low fat biscuit instead of the full fat one" etc, etc. The mental hounding is unbearable.
You see the more people express their lack of support, the longer she grieves and the harder the grief is to accept.
The good news is that society can have a big influence on a woman’s healing and emotional recovery. Other people around her have the power to help her, and that’s a great thing. And you will be amzed at what a little thing does to help. Such loving and kind words at a time of loss has the most profound feelings of healing and acceptance. Its the difference between "not knowing how to get through this" and "gee maybe I can get through this after all." Thats the power that supportvie actions have on a woman who has just had a miscarriage.
Lets look at the healing power that we can have for her;
Firstly if a woman you know has had a miscarriage:
Don't try to talk her out of it by always talking about the positive things that have come out of it. Accept her feelings after all that blissful happiness has vanished and been replaced with loss and grief that has changed her as a person its so profound. There's nothing positive about loosing a beloved baby.
Don't Avoid her. She may feel totally rejected. If you are uncomfortable just remember it’s not about you; its about her. It’s her loss and you don't have to feel uncomfortable just because it’s a womens issue.
Don't try to "cheer her up." It will only appear worse and she will feel as if you are not really understanding her or wanting to let her be herself. She doesn't need "cheering up" she needs love and to talk about whats happened.
Don't give her advice. The last thing a grieving woman wants to hear is what she "should" do, or what she "must" so. It will feel like you are shutting out her deep feelings of sadness.
Don't say "yes but at least you have other children." The other children aren't the problem, the loss her new child is the problem, she wanted her new one just as much as she wanted the others. Each child is unique.
Don't say "well at least you conceived straight away, not many couples can do that." Whether it took her five minutes or five years to conceive she's still experienced a huge loss that has profoundly changed her life. She is now a different person.
The best thing that you can do is:
Support her and ask if there is anything you can do.
Send her flowers to acknowledge her loss.
Write a simple message on a card "sorry for the loss of your little baby."
Offer to help her honor her baby in the form of a plant or a candle.
Ask if she needs practical help such as housework or running errands.
Ask her what date the baby would have been born, then around that date send her some flowers to say you are thinking of her.
Take her out and celebrate her baby’s life, no matter how short it was it still touched her deeply.
Treat her miscarriage like you would the death of a loved one in her family- because the baby was a loved one who has indeed died.
And the best thing you can do to start changing how societies view of miscarriage; acknowledge it openly and talk about it with her.
Together we can make a significant change to grieving women and help them recovery and feel happiness again. Just a gentle support, a loving message, a phone call to say hi will be appreciated in ways she may not be able to express. Never underestimate how good your love can be.
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Angel of my Tears
How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
... I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of my tears.
~Author Unknown.
