As Landon approaches two...

Excuse me while I feel sorry for myself. For some reason something trigger the poor poor pitiful me button tonight.

As Landon approaches two I keep remembering how close we would be to finding out whether we would be having a girl or boy. As much as I wanted a girl I was ready to welcome another boy into this world to snuggle with and play cars with.

I feel awful! I should be happy that I have a sweet healthy little boy that is going to be two! Instead I can only think of my failure of losing his brother or sister. Now you can tell me it wasn't my fault, I know that it was out of my hands but it doesn't keep me from thinking this way.

There are reminders everywhere. The girl who works down the hallway at my new job who is an ultrasound tech with a 20 week protruding belly. She told me (not knowing of course) that when I did get pg she could do my u/s at 12-13 weeks and tell me what I'm having. All I wanted to say was "Yeah I should be 18 1/2 weeks now." :::sigh::: But of course I don't.

I'm reminded by the maternity clothes that still hang in my closet that I washed because I knew my regular clothes soon wouldn't fit.

I'm reminded because we have to be cautious now, not having insurance and all. This wouldn't be the time to get pregnant! I think this is the hardest thing to face. If we had all our answers (blood tests) and were TTC, I think I could throw myself into that and let it in God's hands. But we're not there yet. I don't want to wish summer away because I LOVE summer. I don't want it to be fall yet because my EDD would be right around the corner.

Its just so hard. It sucks so bad. I hate this. Today I feel alone.