"To Full Term"

I've almost completed reading this book, "To Full Term: A Mother's Triumph Over Miscarriage" by Darci Klein, that I want to rave about. This book is geared towards those who have experienced RPL, stillbirth and pregnancy complications. This woman spent nearly 30+ weeks on bed rest, fighting to save her child's life and maintain her sanity. In this book, she encourages women to take part in their own health care, to trust their instincts and not let doctors dictate their care. In fact, this is the best book I've read that is a story telling book, supportive, inspiring and combines factual information.

As I mentioned before, having Landon this time around has greatly distracted me. Whether this is a good or bad thing, I'm unsure. I'm not convinced I have grieved entirely over this last loss. Maybe, I have come to accept this as the norm and deal with it by throwing myself into research and books over RPL. Don't get me wrong I think about my latest lost on a daily basis. It pains me that I'm not 15 weeks pg, that I'm not a month away from finding out if I'm carrying a girl or boy in my newly protruding baby belly. I would be close to feeling little drum like taps as my developing baby stretches his or her arms or legs. I am use to this disappointment. Should anyone be use to this?

These days I'm having difficulty facing the sea of PGR (pg related) posts on my private board. It stings, it stings a lot. There was a huge bfp (big fat positive) explosion on the board the time of my bfp. I'm finding it harder this time around to be happy for those who are due in the fall. As October approaches I'm sure it won't get any easier. It's funny how different I am reacting this time around. It has definitely flip flopped. I don't find myself being bitter as women walk by with big baby bellies. I actually find myself smiling at them and yearning to be pregnant once again with a healthy baby. Prior to Landon I was not happy for these people that I didn't "know". These people who were naive to the fact that 1 in 4 pg end in m/c. I never went through a pg not worrying, I have no concept of this feeling--it was stolen a week after I found out I was pregnant the first time.

Now I know what pregnancy feels like. I can appreciate being a mother to a happy & healthy little boy. I'm not that girl any more who just yearned to be pregnant to experience the joys (as well as the uncomfortable times). And because I know this; I know how easy it is to get caught in the joy of pregnancy and forget. I know my sisters have been through the same tragedy of m/c but only a hand full have gone through RPL. In fact, only 5% will go on to have a 2nd consecutive miscarriage and 1% will have 3 or more consecutive miscarriages. I can't say ever forgot the pain that my m/c caused but the joy of pregnancy triumphs that pain and pushes the devastating memories far away as you reach new milestones. Week by week that fear dissipates and turns into appreciation, love and joy.