Links to share

Its my 3rd post of the night, is this a record? Hey, when I have time, I have time. ;-)

So here is a link to a Catholic blog post about the National Shrine of the Divine Mercy located in Stockbridge, MA. Here you can find the Shrine of the Holy Innocent and even purchase a tile or candle holder with your LO's name on it.

Here is a website for the Holistic Momma, Pulling Down the Moon. Don't forget to check out the blog entries on fertility, IF, m/c. Another more holistic site I found recently is The Fertile Heart Approach founded by Julia Indichova. She is the author of, "Inconceivable" & co-author of "The Fertile Female. How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life & Change the World". Don't forget to check out her imagery Cd's, blog & her resources.

Here is a blog, Miscarriage - Recurrent Miscarriage, that has some excellent blog entries. I will be moving this over to my links.

That's it for now...have a great night!

Normal, normal, normal

Well, Dr. Daggs nurse called me and A-L-L my labs came back normal so far; bacterial cultures, STD cultures & my sonohystogram which we already knew was normal.

So onto hormonal labs which based on my CM looks like will be starting Wed. I'm going to consult with Erin since finding my peak day is critical for this test. I got a + OPK yesterday & had some right ovary twinges. So yay for O!

For what its worth, after reading the last article I posted I'm considering adding Vitamin D & Fish Oil to my daily medicine cocktail. I suffer from seasonal depression and anxiety. Since I share everything...I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety over 10 years ago when my parents seperated for some time. Ever since I did really well on a low dose of Prozac & occassional visits to a pshycologist. [I will say that I did not take Prozac after I was 6 months pg and while I was bf because if I remember correctly the baby can become dependent on it and at birth can go through withdrawl symptoms. Do NOT quote me on that.] It wasn't until last year that I had a huge relapse. It was bad, I almost checked myself into the hospital. My pshycologist of 8 years had just left the area and my PCP was clueless about it. I did well after we adjust the dose of my Prozac and finally found a new pshycologist but ever since I don't feel 100%. So maybe adding all of this will help. I will keep you posted.

Depression + MTHFR connection

I thought some of you might find this interesting. I didn't realize their was a link between MTHFR & depression/anxiety till Erin mentioned it at my recent chart review. It seems from what I've skimmed through on the internet most studies were with the C677T mutation and compound MTHFR mutation. Food for the Brain - Depression Article is a great article in general & suggests what you can change in your diet to help depression but especially scroll down & check out the "Increase Your Intake of B Vitamins" if you suffer from depression & have MTHFR and/or abnormal homocysteine levels.

It's 11:49 PM and I'm blogging....

Normally I wouldn't be up this late, but tonight we watched a movie. Mike fell asleep and I stayed up to watch the end. Afterwards I got on one of my message boards only to find a sweet recognition from a friend. Now I sit here bawling, sometimes barely able to make out the words I'm typing. So forgive the errors tonight.

Lord knows I don't deserve her recognition. I haven't been a good friend to her over the past few months. Instead I've only been in self preservation mode.

You see I was apart of their "pregnancy group" only to get "kicked out". Not literally but figuratively speaking that is how I feel. I really don't feel like I have a group to lean on. I feel like no one recognizes the pain I have been going through. I feel alone. Despite just lurking, its still hurtful. Its hurtful to hear well actually see all those that are pregnant and due in October. Their pregnant related concerns, fears, complaints...you name it. But even if I would give up that board, its all over facebook as well. I feel like I have no where to go that is welcoming of my "sort", shall I say?

How can such joy for someone bring such pain to someone else? I tell you I feel like a horrible person. I feel selfish. I feel bitter. I feel jealous. I feel resentment. I feel like I'm living hell here on earth even though my problems could be SO MUCH worse. Why can't I just get over this? Why can't I move on?

For the past 6 months, I have been reminded of my loss every day. At 20 weeks (10 weeks after my m/c), I knew that I should be finding out whether I was having a sweet baby girl or a precious baby boy. At that time I also knew I should be getting the nursery ready and changing Landon over to a big boy room. God damn it! Right now I should be 35 lbs heavier and complaining about my aches and pains and how my clothes don't fit. But I'm not. Instead I've lost a life time of memories with this child and 3 others.

WTF!?!?!

Today I had my sonohystogram/hysterosonogram/sonohysterogram. Don't worry, all of those are correct. I just looked it up. I will say it was uncomfortable but not terrible. Really it reminded me too much of my D&E's and the crampiness I've experienced with those. Basically they stick a catheter in your cervix and fill your uterus with saline so they can see what your uterus looks like and check for fibroids, scar tissue, cysts or any other abnormalities.

Mine....it showed nothing. The radiologist said that he would look over the pictures in more detail later but to expected a normal report to my doctor. FAB! <---sarcastic for fabulous! It didn't come as a shock to me. I suspected it would be completely normally. I just hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment when I go to get my post-peak phase lab work done. I'm banking on that to be what's screwed up.

I also learned that my FSH (6.4) & Estrogen (33) was normal on Monday, CD 3. So again, am I just setting myself up for disappointment and no answers; only to be told to just keep on trying? :::rolls eyes::: Who knows? But if the little black cloud that is hanging over us is still around I imagine that's what will happen.

For more information on sonohysterogram, click here.

Not much to report...

So as I was sitting waiting for the doctor to come in my anxiety went through the roof! I was worrying and debating in my head if this would be the place I would get my answers or not. I would love to tell you that I felt immediate relief as the doctor came in but in all honesty I didn't.

Dr. Daggs is a very nice lady, pregnant (I think) and extremely knowledgeable. Really she asked a lot of questions and explained things Erin and I already discussed. We discussed LPD, possible bacterial infections at my cervix and (I forget the medical term) where your cells of your cervix are flipped to the outside instead of the inside (can be caused by childbirth and could have been the cause for all my CM).

She did a pelvic exam and quickly announced the 3rd one was not an issue. So we have yet to figure out where all my CM comes from. She seemed pleased with everything else and the plan from here is to do a sonohysterogram either this Friday or Monday on CD 7 or 10. When I'm on my peak day I am to call and we are going to do a post peak phase blood draw (I think on Peak + 3 days, 5 days, 7 days, 9 days & 11 days) to see what my progesterone, estrogen, LH, FSH and ALL those lovely hormones stand. This will help determine if I have LPD or not.

So I follow up in 5 weeks and hopefully we should have some answers by then. Fingers and toes crossed!!!!

The Fertility Solution

A friend of mine gave me this website and I thought those who are suffering from RPL or infertility may be interested in it, The Fertility Solution.  The friend who gave me this website suffered from infertility and after trying the antibiotic therapy she was pregnant 6 months later with her little girl. From my understanding 6 months after starting the antibiotic therapy is the given time for the body to heal and correct itself. She used this as well as the Creighton model. You can also find this site under "Where I get my Information From" on the right hand side of this page.

MIA

I know I've been MIA and I apologize. However, the black cloud that has been following us since the new year continues to hover over us and our house.

I know this is not fertility related at all but I promise to get there. This past summer, during the hottest week of the year our AC broke. The unit was older than me by 2 years so Mike's grandparents definitely got their money out of this unit. However, we had to replace the furnace (3 years younger than me) as well because it would not be able to handle the new bigger and better AC unit. Do you seeing the flashing money signs??? So we (2 adults, 1 toddler and 2 dogs) were couped up in our master bedroom with a window AC unit for a week!! Within that week our hot water heater started leaking. WTF?! More money signs flashed by.

Fast forward to 6 weeks later (this past week). Tropical Storm Lee decided to make "his" presence known and dumped rain like crazy on Central PA. I can't tell you how many inches because I've had very little time to watch any news. I'll guess 10+ inches though. So Wednesday afternoon I came home to find 5 inches of water in our basement. The last time this basement saw water was during Hurricane Agnes, in the early 70's, before my time. Our sump pump never kicked on. So Mike hurried home from work and within an hour the water was pumped out. Our guys who replaced our AC, furnace & hot water heater came to check everything out. All were inspected and turned back on. :::whew:::

1:30 AM the following morning we lost electric. Within 3 hours, we had 8 inches of water in our basement. Our hot water heater was destroyed. :::sigh::: So I have to remember that we were blessed with only having 8 inches of water in our basement because many have lost their first floors to flood waters in local areas. But at the same time why is this black cloud following us?

1) We lost Sadie in mid March
2) I m/c at the end of March
3) Our AC died
4) We also had to replace our furnace and hot water heater
5) Came home the same day as our basement to find a leak in our roof and plaster from our ceiling on the floor.
6) 5inches of water in our basement, lost electric and then had 8 inches of water in basement that destroyed our 6 week old hot water heater

I'm not sure if that's how I should number things because we all know things happen in 3's. Well...we are way past three!!! I don't want to ask what else could go wrong because I've learned this year that it can always get worse.

Tomorrow is my appt with Dr. Daggs, my new ob/gyn. I'm surprised that its here already despite the long, long wait. It felt like forever, but this last week has flown by with all the drama. I'm so discouraged right now and I hope to get the show on the road tomorrow. One good thing is I'm on CD 2 so that means we'll be able to do CD 3 blood work tomorrow. YAY!!!!!!!!

I'm hoping to update tomorrow evening but if not look for an update by Tuesday evening. :-) I have to believe that things can only look up from here!

"We Must See Past What it Seems"

If you have not read this blog post! I highly recommend that you do. We Must See Past What it Seems

A friend posted this on my facebook wall after I updated my status from a quote I found; "The funny thing is, nobody really ever knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken, and we wouldn't even know."

That day I felt broken. I need acknowledgement of the pain I am going through. And I feel like so many forget and even more don't know what my pain is like.

Every day I deal with patients complaining to me of their physical pain; how bad their shoulder hurts, how much their back hurts, how they can't do the recreational activities that they want to do because of physical pain. Yes, I understand their pain. I've been through it myself but for once I would like someone to just ask me how I am doing. It gets old listening to their complaints and not being able to share mine. However, that is my fault. Many I choose not to share my personal grief with only because I want most of my relationships to be professional and not personal with patients. I think when I am feeling this way I really need to remember this article and remember that not only are they dealing with physical pain but they could be dealing with grief just like mine.

I need to learn to be less selfish...however, some days I would like a sign around my neck so people might be gentle with me.

:::HUGS::: to those who need them for whatever reason!!!