Since my last post I have seen Dr. Hall at Ndlouvo Women's Health for my 2 week follow up from my D&E. It pretty much went as well as my RE appt last week. So nothing earth shattering.
I started the appt out by explaining how unhappy DH and I were with my RE appt. I explained that he wanted to repeat the autoimmune testing and suggested a sonohysterogram. I told her I didn't understand why he wanted to wait with the autoimmune testing or what difference it made whether I had hcg yet still in my system. She reassured me she would have done the same thing and that I was in "good hands" with Dr. Dodson. I also asked about DH's issues. In the past 6 months he was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and (borderline) low testosterone possibly caused by the hypothyroid. She told me this would NOT cause RPL. I said something along the lines well DH is almost 13 years older than me and could this possibly effect his sperm. She said well sure age can affect the quality of sperm. :::sigh::: Tell me how can borderline low testosterone NOT effect his sperm quality? Testosterone helps produce sperm! How could this not be a possibility and why isn't anyone investigating it? Give me a solid medical answer that this is not a possibility that is effecting our situation? If a thyroid problem in females effects our fertility and ability of carrying a baby, how does it not effect a males sperm which could effect the quality of an embryo? Yes, a lot more could go wrong in the females body. I get that but :::bangs head on closest wall::: why am I just going in a circle? Why isn't anyone listening?
Speaking of immune issues if you have questions about how it works, this is a great site I came across in "Is Your Body Baby Friendly?".
So who is going to listen to me? That's a good question. I hope that it is going to be Dr. Corley at Sher Institute for Reproductive Medicine or SIRM. I have a free phone consultation on May 12. I'm hoping he is going to come up with a action plan other then the basic tests that my RE is willing to do. I came across Dr. Corley through a friend I've met on a private PL board. Amy struggled with recurrent chemical pregnancies.
I'm hoping in the next few days to weeks to go through and look at what "above average" RE's test for and explain them individually (ie antibodies, WBC, Natural Killer Cells, ANA, APA, etc...). As well as keep you updated on my appts.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Welcome to Life During & After RPL
Hello there. I'm so sorry you are here joining me. Most likely if you are you are experiencing a loss of your own or you're just nosey. :) Either way I thank you.
The purpose of this blog is to have a place where I can come and vent and inform others. Trust me, I'm no expert, however, at this point in my RPL journey I don't think anyone is an expert. Maybe, I haven't found the right one yet. :::shrugs::: I'm not holding my breath though. I want to be able to share with women all over the world my story and extend support; to let you know you aren't alone! With that said, I won't hold back as grotesque as it may be or as brutally honest I may be, I won't skip a detail.
Initally, I started another blog after my 2nd loss. You can view it here but please note that it continues during the pregnancy of my son, his birth and about 8 months after. I haven't updated it in months and really should. I felt that starting all over was a better option this time around. I realize some of you may not be comfortable with sharing of my success after loss (SAL). I get it and thats why I created a new blog.
So lets rewind for those of you who don't know my story. Mike & I began our trying to concieve (TTC) journey shortly after we married. I went off my birth control for a month and the following month we started TTC. The day before my 24th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. We were fairly surprised since we knew it wasn't easy for everyone. (Later I would find out it wasn't becoming pregnant that is our problem. My body maintaining a pregnancy...is a whole other story!)
A little over a week later, I woke up and realized I was bleeding. I immediately called the on-call doctor who wasn't very reassuring. He told me to call the office when it opened to make an appt and he told me I was most likely miscarrying.
I remember going in to my Ob/Gyn office at the time, by myself not knowing what to expect. Surrounded by women and girls who were obviously expecting. I barely kept it together in the waiting room. Honestly its been so long now that I don't remember being called back, undressing and waiting until the doctor came in. I may have blocked it out of my mind. What I remember the most is the transvaginal ultrasound. I remember staring at the screen, searching for something, anything. There was nothing. I had no gestational sac in my uterus. I remember just bawling as the doctor finished up. She was very nice and sympathetic. I remember her telling me it probably was just a chemical pregnancy. That miscarriage is very common, almost 1 in 4 pregnancies. Read more about baby #1 here
I remember still to this day how my world had stopped spinning. Everyone else just kept going on about their business but to me I had just lost my baby. How could I keep on going? My hopes and dreams shattered into itty bitty pieces so they could never be put back together. My heart aches as I type this.
I'll admit, this miscarriage took a toll on my marriage. My husband didn't seem to understand me. He tried to reassure me but said all the wrong things. I know I'm partly to blame. I pulled away and pulled into my shell. I couldn't help thinking "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" The more I thought about it the more I wanted to understand it. The more I tried to understand it the more frustrated I became. Frustration led straight to confusion, which for me is not a good state of mind to be in.
I believe we waited a month or two before TTC again. Once again in no time at all I became pregnant. I went in for betas, which were doubling nicely. My Ob/Gyn accomodated me and had me start coming in for early ultrasounds (u/s). At 6 weeks, we saw a gestational sac forming but I was measuring a little behind. At 7 weeks, we saw a much bigger gestational sac but still nothing inside of it. The doctor then proceeded to tell me, what I already knew. At this point we should be seeing the formation of a baby and yolk sac. He mentioned the possibility of a blighted ovum (bo) but was remaining hopeful since I was measuring slightly behind.
I went home devestated. I had so many signs and symptoms this time, how could it be? My boobs were sore, I was nausous, tired and my bloodwork was still great. We stayed in limbo for a week until our next ultrasound which showed nothing more then a bigger gestational sac. Read more about baby #2 here.
I had a D&E (dilation and evacuation) 9 days after our first wedding anniversary. My experience with the D&E was not so bad. It was the wait inbetween that was painful in so many ways. I felt "dirty" carrying around an empty sac and having pregnancy symptoms all at the same time. I just wanted "it" out of me. The procedure itself went great. We sent the tissue out for testing which came back normal and xx. To read more about the procedure and my recovery click here.
The summer of 2008, I went to see a Reproductive Endocronologist (RE), Dr. Dodson at Hershey Med Center. He seemed rather sympathetic and supportive at the time and decided to run a RPL panel which consisted of Factor V, Lupus, HbA1c, TSH, free T4, AnticardA, CardioliplgG, CardioliplgM & B2Microglb. To read more about my appt with Dr. Dodson click here.
When the results came back normal he proceeded to tell me it seemed to be "bad luck". Let's stop for a minute. When was the last time an oncologist told a patient, "you have cancer and bad luck"?
We became pregnant again August 2008. Dr. Dodson did betas & checked progesterone levels and within 48 hours checked them again. This time they were not doubling and he told me that I would probably miscarry in the next week. This was my 2nd chemical pregnancy. Read more about baby #3 (half way down the page)here.
The very next cycle I became pregnant with our son. We found out September 25, 2008. His EDD was June 5, 2009. My betas were doubling, progesterone was rising and we finally saw a hb at our 7 weeks ultrasound with Dr. Dodson. He turned me over to my Ob/Gyn at 8 weeks and from there everything was textbook. No major complications, just persistent ALL day sickness that lasted until 18 weeks. I went into labor right before midnight on June 5th and had Landon at 7:02 AM on June 6th. My labor was quicker than most which was much appreciated. If you want a SAL (success after loss) story click hereto read Landon's birth story.
Now let's fast forward to a few weeks ago. We were not actively TTC but we were not preventing a pregnancy either. For once, it just happened. I found out on Febuary 8th that I was expecting once again. We were a little shocked but delighted that Landon would be a big brother. I was cautious but still excited. Could my body really turn against me once again after having such a textbook pregnancy with Landon?
Well, to answer that question, yes my body did turn against me. I had some nausea and I was dead beat tired every.single.day! I was becoming bloated and my boobs were a little tender. My acne had popped up again, all which were good signs. As soon as we found out, I had betas done at about 12 dpo & 14 dpo. They were higher than my betas with Landon & my progesterone was already in the upper 40's, which shocked me. I was thrilled.
At 7 weeks, we came back from a cruise in celebration of Mike's 40th birthday. Most importantly we saw a heartbeat again. Although I was measuring behind at 6w5d and another measurement said 6w3d. All though were still within normal limits (WNL). The Ob kept my due date according to my last menstrual period (lmp). This baby's EDD was October 23, 2011. This time I was convinced we were having a girl. I just had that gut feeling. So I was busy for the next 2 weeks looking at baby stuff, buying some maternity clothes, thinkng of names and figuring out what we would do with the nursery.
At 9w6d I had some light spotting and called the Ob to make him and her (husband & wife team) aware of what was going on. They wanted me to come in since the weekend was approaching. I left work immediately and waited almost a hour in the waiting room, nervous as anything, practically losing my mind.
That day, Friday March 26, 2010, I was alone and found out that our baby was only measuring 7w, with no fetal pole. I held it together while we discussed my options and where to go from here. I didn't lose my mind until I got out to my car in the parking garage. I broke down with uncontrollable sobs, bawling my eyes out. What have I done to deserve this? What am I going to tell everyone? Minutes later some woman came up to my passenger door and knocked and asked if I was leaving. Harrisburg hospital was incredibly busy that day with no parking. As I shook my head yes and pulled myself together I really debated on giving her the finger. Seriously, I'm sitting in my car crying my eyes out over the loss of my child and your more worried about a freaking parking spot? :::sigh:::
Before leaving I had scheduled my D&E for that Tuesday. I went back into work on Monday to see patients (I work as a physical therapist assistant). Returning to work is part of the hardest things after a m/c that you will do. You have to face failure and manage to get through the day; for me that requires putting on a happy face. At least at home failure isn't constantly staring you down in the face. Maybe thats easier for me to say now because of my son. At least at home though I can sit and read and do the research on m/c. At work I'm left to just think and drown in my sorrows.
At about 1:00 Monday, I began bleeding and cramping. The cramping became so bad that I was doubling over at work and had to leave by 2. I called my Ob who was able to fit me in around 3:30. I felt like I was literally in labor and I didn't realize it until later but really I was. My uterus was contracting over and over again to try and expell the tissue out. My Ob got out of L&D around 4 to find that I had tissue stuck in my cervix. After she removed it the contracting stopped immediately. I felt so much better. She did a vaginal u/s to see what was still left in my uterus and decided I would not be waiting till the moring to have my D&E, it was happening tonight.
After all that I was able to joke around. I felt comfortable. I knew what to expect for I had been down this road before. All in all, I was pretty much right. The procedure went well and I woke up more groggy this time thanks to Benedryl. Or thanks to the nurse/doctor who knew I had issues with antibiotics and gave me too much too quick which produced an allergic reaction; "red man's syndrome". :::sigh:::
Me being the anal, type A personality & proactive type scheduled to see the RE. I saw him this past Tuesday and needless to say wasn't very happy with the overall appt. Warning: here is where my venting or bitching comes into play. I'm so frustrated with the overall knowledge of RPL or infertility. I would be completely embarassed to be in that field. My RE admitted to me that the biggest thing in their field was discovered 25+ years ago...IVF. :::shakes head::: Getting back to my appt, Dr. Dodson is willing to repeat the autoimmune testing again and he said there is another test that has since come out after my previous m/c's that we could pursue. He also recommended a sonohysterogram after my first period.
You may be asking what went so wrong at this point. Let me tell you that he agreed that there is something wrong. That at 27 y.o. I shouldn't have had 4 m/c but unless these tests came back abnormal there really isn't anything we can do and basically its by chance. I feel like he's only willing to scratch the surface and if nothing is wrong, there is no use digging farther. Sorry Dr. I'm not willing to take that chance anymore. Again he's very compassionate and caring but is very textbook. And if you haven't realized I don't think any m/c is just textbook. Sure, it can be "mother nature's way" if there is a chromosone defect but when you're talking immune or hormonal problems....this is not "mother nature's way". So I've taken things into my own hands. I am continuing with my research through books and online and hope to teach everyone out there reading this a thing or two. ;-)
I'm currently investing NaPro Technology. I will be attending a group session next Tuesday evening. So when I learn more about it, I will let ya'll know as well. I have a follow-up to my D&E with my Ob/Gyn on Wenesday and have plenty of questions to ask. I'm hoping she will be willing to do some tests that haven't been done yet if not I guess I will be finding a new Ob/Gyn and RE. I just can't keep going through this over and over again with no answers. Something just doesn't make sense and I am determined and just plain stubborn (which works in my advatage this time) to listen to "just keep trying".
Trust me I could go on and on but for now I'll leave you with this to digest.
~Jess
The purpose of this blog is to have a place where I can come and vent and inform others. Trust me, I'm no expert, however, at this point in my RPL journey I don't think anyone is an expert. Maybe, I haven't found the right one yet. :::shrugs::: I'm not holding my breath though. I want to be able to share with women all over the world my story and extend support; to let you know you aren't alone! With that said, I won't hold back as grotesque as it may be or as brutally honest I may be, I won't skip a detail.
Initally, I started another blog after my 2nd loss. You can view it here but please note that it continues during the pregnancy of my son, his birth and about 8 months after. I haven't updated it in months and really should. I felt that starting all over was a better option this time around. I realize some of you may not be comfortable with sharing of my success after loss (SAL). I get it and thats why I created a new blog.
So lets rewind for those of you who don't know my story. Mike & I began our trying to concieve (TTC) journey shortly after we married. I went off my birth control for a month and the following month we started TTC. The day before my 24th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. We were fairly surprised since we knew it wasn't easy for everyone. (Later I would find out it wasn't becoming pregnant that is our problem. My body maintaining a pregnancy...is a whole other story!)
A little over a week later, I woke up and realized I was bleeding. I immediately called the on-call doctor who wasn't very reassuring. He told me to call the office when it opened to make an appt and he told me I was most likely miscarrying.
I remember going in to my Ob/Gyn office at the time, by myself not knowing what to expect. Surrounded by women and girls who were obviously expecting. I barely kept it together in the waiting room. Honestly its been so long now that I don't remember being called back, undressing and waiting until the doctor came in. I may have blocked it out of my mind. What I remember the most is the transvaginal ultrasound. I remember staring at the screen, searching for something, anything. There was nothing. I had no gestational sac in my uterus. I remember just bawling as the doctor finished up. She was very nice and sympathetic. I remember her telling me it probably was just a chemical pregnancy. That miscarriage is very common, almost 1 in 4 pregnancies. Read more about baby #1 here
I remember still to this day how my world had stopped spinning. Everyone else just kept going on about their business but to me I had just lost my baby. How could I keep on going? My hopes and dreams shattered into itty bitty pieces so they could never be put back together. My heart aches as I type this.
I'll admit, this miscarriage took a toll on my marriage. My husband didn't seem to understand me. He tried to reassure me but said all the wrong things. I know I'm partly to blame. I pulled away and pulled into my shell. I couldn't help thinking "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" The more I thought about it the more I wanted to understand it. The more I tried to understand it the more frustrated I became. Frustration led straight to confusion, which for me is not a good state of mind to be in.
I believe we waited a month or two before TTC again. Once again in no time at all I became pregnant. I went in for betas, which were doubling nicely. My Ob/Gyn accomodated me and had me start coming in for early ultrasounds (u/s). At 6 weeks, we saw a gestational sac forming but I was measuring a little behind. At 7 weeks, we saw a much bigger gestational sac but still nothing inside of it. The doctor then proceeded to tell me, what I already knew. At this point we should be seeing the formation of a baby and yolk sac. He mentioned the possibility of a blighted ovum (bo) but was remaining hopeful since I was measuring slightly behind.
I went home devestated. I had so many signs and symptoms this time, how could it be? My boobs were sore, I was nausous, tired and my bloodwork was still great. We stayed in limbo for a week until our next ultrasound which showed nothing more then a bigger gestational sac. Read more about baby #2 here.
I had a D&E (dilation and evacuation) 9 days after our first wedding anniversary. My experience with the D&E was not so bad. It was the wait inbetween that was painful in so many ways. I felt "dirty" carrying around an empty sac and having pregnancy symptoms all at the same time. I just wanted "it" out of me. The procedure itself went great. We sent the tissue out for testing which came back normal and xx. To read more about the procedure and my recovery click here.
The summer of 2008, I went to see a Reproductive Endocronologist (RE), Dr. Dodson at Hershey Med Center. He seemed rather sympathetic and supportive at the time and decided to run a RPL panel which consisted of Factor V, Lupus, HbA1c, TSH, free T4, AnticardA, CardioliplgG, CardioliplgM & B2Microglb. To read more about my appt with Dr. Dodson click here.
When the results came back normal he proceeded to tell me it seemed to be "bad luck". Let's stop for a minute. When was the last time an oncologist told a patient, "you have cancer and bad luck"?
We became pregnant again August 2008. Dr. Dodson did betas & checked progesterone levels and within 48 hours checked them again. This time they were not doubling and he told me that I would probably miscarry in the next week. This was my 2nd chemical pregnancy. Read more about baby #3 (half way down the page)here.
The very next cycle I became pregnant with our son. We found out September 25, 2008. His EDD was June 5, 2009. My betas were doubling, progesterone was rising and we finally saw a hb at our 7 weeks ultrasound with Dr. Dodson. He turned me over to my Ob/Gyn at 8 weeks and from there everything was textbook. No major complications, just persistent ALL day sickness that lasted until 18 weeks. I went into labor right before midnight on June 5th and had Landon at 7:02 AM on June 6th. My labor was quicker than most which was much appreciated. If you want a SAL (success after loss) story click hereto read Landon's birth story.
Now let's fast forward to a few weeks ago. We were not actively TTC but we were not preventing a pregnancy either. For once, it just happened. I found out on Febuary 8th that I was expecting once again. We were a little shocked but delighted that Landon would be a big brother. I was cautious but still excited. Could my body really turn against me once again after having such a textbook pregnancy with Landon?
Well, to answer that question, yes my body did turn against me. I had some nausea and I was dead beat tired every.single.day! I was becoming bloated and my boobs were a little tender. My acne had popped up again, all which were good signs. As soon as we found out, I had betas done at about 12 dpo & 14 dpo. They were higher than my betas with Landon & my progesterone was already in the upper 40's, which shocked me. I was thrilled.
At 7 weeks, we came back from a cruise in celebration of Mike's 40th birthday. Most importantly we saw a heartbeat again. Although I was measuring behind at 6w5d and another measurement said 6w3d. All though were still within normal limits (WNL). The Ob kept my due date according to my last menstrual period (lmp). This baby's EDD was October 23, 2011. This time I was convinced we were having a girl. I just had that gut feeling. So I was busy for the next 2 weeks looking at baby stuff, buying some maternity clothes, thinkng of names and figuring out what we would do with the nursery.
At 9w6d I had some light spotting and called the Ob to make him and her (husband & wife team) aware of what was going on. They wanted me to come in since the weekend was approaching. I left work immediately and waited almost a hour in the waiting room, nervous as anything, practically losing my mind.
That day, Friday March 26, 2010, I was alone and found out that our baby was only measuring 7w, with no fetal pole. I held it together while we discussed my options and where to go from here. I didn't lose my mind until I got out to my car in the parking garage. I broke down with uncontrollable sobs, bawling my eyes out. What have I done to deserve this? What am I going to tell everyone? Minutes later some woman came up to my passenger door and knocked and asked if I was leaving. Harrisburg hospital was incredibly busy that day with no parking. As I shook my head yes and pulled myself together I really debated on giving her the finger. Seriously, I'm sitting in my car crying my eyes out over the loss of my child and your more worried about a freaking parking spot? :::sigh:::
Before leaving I had scheduled my D&E for that Tuesday. I went back into work on Monday to see patients (I work as a physical therapist assistant). Returning to work is part of the hardest things after a m/c that you will do. You have to face failure and manage to get through the day; for me that requires putting on a happy face. At least at home failure isn't constantly staring you down in the face. Maybe thats easier for me to say now because of my son. At least at home though I can sit and read and do the research on m/c. At work I'm left to just think and drown in my sorrows.
At about 1:00 Monday, I began bleeding and cramping. The cramping became so bad that I was doubling over at work and had to leave by 2. I called my Ob who was able to fit me in around 3:30. I felt like I was literally in labor and I didn't realize it until later but really I was. My uterus was contracting over and over again to try and expell the tissue out. My Ob got out of L&D around 4 to find that I had tissue stuck in my cervix. After she removed it the contracting stopped immediately. I felt so much better. She did a vaginal u/s to see what was still left in my uterus and decided I would not be waiting till the moring to have my D&E, it was happening tonight.
After all that I was able to joke around. I felt comfortable. I knew what to expect for I had been down this road before. All in all, I was pretty much right. The procedure went well and I woke up more groggy this time thanks to Benedryl. Or thanks to the nurse/doctor who knew I had issues with antibiotics and gave me too much too quick which produced an allergic reaction; "red man's syndrome". :::sigh:::
Me being the anal, type A personality & proactive type scheduled to see the RE. I saw him this past Tuesday and needless to say wasn't very happy with the overall appt. Warning: here is where my venting or bitching comes into play. I'm so frustrated with the overall knowledge of RPL or infertility. I would be completely embarassed to be in that field. My RE admitted to me that the biggest thing in their field was discovered 25+ years ago...IVF. :::shakes head::: Getting back to my appt, Dr. Dodson is willing to repeat the autoimmune testing again and he said there is another test that has since come out after my previous m/c's that we could pursue. He also recommended a sonohysterogram after my first period.
You may be asking what went so wrong at this point. Let me tell you that he agreed that there is something wrong. That at 27 y.o. I shouldn't have had 4 m/c but unless these tests came back abnormal there really isn't anything we can do and basically its by chance. I feel like he's only willing to scratch the surface and if nothing is wrong, there is no use digging farther. Sorry Dr. I'm not willing to take that chance anymore. Again he's very compassionate and caring but is very textbook. And if you haven't realized I don't think any m/c is just textbook. Sure, it can be "mother nature's way" if there is a chromosone defect but when you're talking immune or hormonal problems....this is not "mother nature's way". So I've taken things into my own hands. I am continuing with my research through books and online and hope to teach everyone out there reading this a thing or two. ;-)
I'm currently investing NaPro Technology. I will be attending a group session next Tuesday evening. So when I learn more about it, I will let ya'll know as well. I have a follow-up to my D&E with my Ob/Gyn on Wenesday and have plenty of questions to ask. I'm hoping she will be willing to do some tests that haven't been done yet if not I guess I will be finding a new Ob/Gyn and RE. I just can't keep going through this over and over again with no answers. Something just doesn't make sense and I am determined and just plain stubborn (which works in my advatage this time) to listen to "just keep trying".
Trust me I could go on and on but for now I'll leave you with this to digest.
~Jess
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)