The day I've been dreading.......

October 23, 2011. The day I've been dreading for some 7 1/2 months. I sit here wide awake past midnight, once again after watching a movie.

I sit here empty handed with a heavy aching heart. Trust me, it makes it easier that I have Landon, no doubt...but I can't help but hurt! And grief the day that should have been my 2nd child's birthday.

I can't help think about the things that should be different, the nursery, the endless sleepless nights, introducing Landon to his new sibling, Landon's big boy room, the cries of a newborn.....I can't help but think about what should have been...

But yet here I sit almost anxious of the thought of having a toddler and a newborn.

Hopefully, after today I will be able to move on. Since getting answers I think, it has brought me some peace but getting through today...will be the last milestone of my 5th pregnancy.

:::Breathe in, breathe out:::


Thankfully, I have very good friends that will help me get through this day. I especially want to thank Lisa who sent me this in the mail (just 2 weeks after having twins)!!!

Thank you so much Lisa for remembering, it means the world to me! Thank you for being there for me in some of my deepest, darkest hours & some of the happiest days of my life!! You are a true friend and a sister forever!!!



OMG OMG OMG!!! Jumping up and down!!!!

No...again, I'm NOT pregnant! But I am getting answers!!!!! Despite my awful feeling about my blood work not showing anything... I was so wrong!!!

My ob/gyn's nurse just called. Discussed some of the numbers with me and told me I have Type III Luteal Phase Defect!

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!

So what I do know right now is that my estradiol was low even though the peak was 103 on 7dpo. Dr. Daggs wants to see it at 110-150 (units?! I have no idea). The bigger problem was my progesterone was 17 on 7dpo but drastically dropped to 5.8 in 2 days. Anything over a 50% drop is consider Type III Luteal Phase Defect!!!!

Holy shit people! I could cry but I'm cheesin at the same time from ear to ear!!!

What does this mean and where do I go from here?

Type III LPD is treated with HCG shots (I believe Kathy said at 5dpo & 7dpo). We are starting this cycle!!!! I will learn how to give these injections to myself...and I don't even care that I have to inject myself.

I'm beyond thrilled that I am finally getting somewhere. Landon qualified for early intervention this afternoon after I got the news and I don't even care....it won't ruin this day that I finally feel like I'm on top of this stupid RPL mountain and finally on my way to overcoming it!!!!

Off to see if I can google LPD types!!!

OMG OMG OMG!

As Landon approaches two...

Excuse me while I feel sorry for myself. For some reason something trigger the poor poor pitiful me button tonight.

As Landon approaches two I keep remembering how close we would be to finding out whether we would be having a girl or boy. As much as I wanted a girl I was ready to welcome another boy into this world to snuggle with and play cars with.

I feel awful! I should be happy that I have a sweet healthy little boy that is going to be two! Instead I can only think of my failure of losing his brother or sister. Now you can tell me it wasn't my fault, I know that it was out of my hands but it doesn't keep me from thinking this way.

There are reminders everywhere. The girl who works down the hallway at my new job who is an ultrasound tech with a 20 week protruding belly. She told me (not knowing of course) that when I did get pg she could do my u/s at 12-13 weeks and tell me what I'm having. All I wanted to say was "Yeah I should be 18 1/2 weeks now." :::sigh::: But of course I don't.

I'm reminded by the maternity clothes that still hang in my closet that I washed because I knew my regular clothes soon wouldn't fit.

I'm reminded because we have to be cautious now, not having insurance and all. This wouldn't be the time to get pregnant! I think this is the hardest thing to face. If we had all our answers (blood tests) and were TTC, I think I could throw myself into that and let it in God's hands. But we're not there yet. I don't want to wish summer away because I LOVE summer. I don't want it to be fall yet because my EDD would be right around the corner.

Its just so hard. It sucks so bad. I hate this. Today I feel alone.

"To Full Term"

I've almost completed reading this book, "To Full Term: A Mother's Triumph Over Miscarriage" by Darci Klein, that I want to rave about. This book is geared towards those who have experienced RPL, stillbirth and pregnancy complications. This woman spent nearly 30+ weeks on bed rest, fighting to save her child's life and maintain her sanity. In this book, she encourages women to take part in their own health care, to trust their instincts and not let doctors dictate their care. In fact, this is the best book I've read that is a story telling book, supportive, inspiring and combines factual information.

As I mentioned before, having Landon this time around has greatly distracted me. Whether this is a good or bad thing, I'm unsure. I'm not convinced I have grieved entirely over this last loss. Maybe, I have come to accept this as the norm and deal with it by throwing myself into research and books over RPL. Don't get me wrong I think about my latest lost on a daily basis. It pains me that I'm not 15 weeks pg, that I'm not a month away from finding out if I'm carrying a girl or boy in my newly protruding baby belly. I would be close to feeling little drum like taps as my developing baby stretches his or her arms or legs. I am use to this disappointment. Should anyone be use to this?

These days I'm having difficulty facing the sea of PGR (pg related) posts on my private board. It stings, it stings a lot. There was a huge bfp (big fat positive) explosion on the board the time of my bfp. I'm finding it harder this time around to be happy for those who are due in the fall. As October approaches I'm sure it won't get any easier. It's funny how different I am reacting this time around. It has definitely flip flopped. I don't find myself being bitter as women walk by with big baby bellies. I actually find myself smiling at them and yearning to be pregnant once again with a healthy baby. Prior to Landon I was not happy for these people that I didn't "know". These people who were naive to the fact that 1 in 4 pg end in m/c. I never went through a pg not worrying, I have no concept of this feeling--it was stolen a week after I found out I was pregnant the first time.

Now I know what pregnancy feels like. I can appreciate being a mother to a happy & healthy little boy. I'm not that girl any more who just yearned to be pregnant to experience the joys (as well as the uncomfortable times). And because I know this; I know how easy it is to get caught in the joy of pregnancy and forget. I know my sisters have been through the same tragedy of m/c but only a hand full have gone through RPL. In fact, only 5% will go on to have a 2nd consecutive miscarriage and 1% will have 3 or more consecutive miscarriages. I can't say ever forgot the pain that my m/c caused but the joy of pregnancy triumphs that pain and pushes the devastating memories far away as you reach new milestones. Week by week that fear dissipates and turns into appreciation, love and joy.